Maynard's found Jesus

[Smoke]

This is either one hell of an April Fool's joke or I don't know what to think.

From The Tool Page:

[04/01/05] - Completely unexpected

I have no idea how to introduce this, so I'll just post it. This is an email Maynard (the real one) sent in moments ago:
[indent] "hi, kabir. i thought it only fair to inform you first, before you hear it second or third hand. some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of jesus. tool will need to take the back seat. this may come as a shock. i just thought you should know considering all the support you given us over the years. all my faith. maynard."

[/indent]This is an actual email from actual MJK. I was going to type up a post about how the RIAA had sent us a letter shutting down The Tool Page (as this year's annual April Fools' Day joke), but now I just don't think it seems appropriate. More on this as it develops. [size=3]§[/size]

From MTV.com:

Has Maynard James Keenan, the frontman of both the dark, heavy-metal art band Tool and the somewhat lighter A Perfect Circle, found Jesus and been born again? Well ...

Recent postings on two Tool Web sites — one of them purportedly by

Keenan himself — contend that the singer has found religion and has left Tool. Could this really be? On Tuesday afternoon (April 5), MTV News' Kurt Loder e-mailed Keenan for confirmation, and this is what he e-mailed back: "I did, in fact, find Jesus. More news to follow. God bless ya."

Keenan's letter to fan site toolshed.down.net explains that "some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of Jesus" and that "Tool will need to take the back seat." A posting on Tool's Web site alludes to Maynard's newfound Christianity as well, but who wrote the post is unclear. It reads, "I went to the studio to give Maynard a bottle of wine ... [and] not only wasn't Maynard there, but ... I was told Maynard has indeed 'found Jesus' and that, for this reason, he's abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely."

But given their timing (one dated March 31, the other April 1), both posts were dismissed as April Fools' pranks, leaving fans wondering whether Keenan and the rest of Tool were just having a little fun with everyone.

The band's management could not be reached for comment or confirmation on the matter.

[Private Hudson]

Considering how much of a wise-ass Maynard is, it would not surprise me at all that this is a joke.

And given his stance on religion..

Hell, the chorus in the title track of their first album (though, not full length..) was "Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life now? Open my eyes, blind me with your light now." A very cynical look at Religion clouding ones judgement.

And he has been through some unusual events before in the past, these would have to be absolutely extraordinary to make him "rediscover" Jesus.

[Great Rumbler]

He FOUND Jesus?! He's gonna be pretty rich then!

...

Oh wait, this is something else isn't?*

*That was in this one book that I read. Well, I guess it's good for him if he really has.

[A Black Falcon]

Who's Maynard?

Oh, someone on a band I've heard the name of before but don't care about, like most all rock bands... yeah, I did hear of this. Like a week ago, at least... eh, whatever. It happens, if it's true.

[Smoke]

Maynard James Keenan, lead singer for the bands Tool and A Perfect Circle.

[Private Hudson]

He's a brilliant singer/songwriter/musician.

This is also a blatant April Fools joke.

[Laser Link]

It could be a joke about this: http://www.cmcentral.com/news/2490.html. Or could be real. It doesn't surprise me that someone who once was angry with God, or didn't believe or whatever else has changed their mind. A lot of those people are the ones who were raised Christian, had some bad experience that caused them to turn from religion, and later they actually discover that God is bigger than dead religious ceremonies. When you actually encounter God, nothing else really matters any more.

Most of my friends had this same process. They were the ones who were popular, athletic, and doing all the cool stuff like drugs and alcohol and sex. But they came to a point where they were still looking for more and realized that stuff wouldn't fill them up. They turned back to God and found what they were always looking for.

I went through the same process to a lesser extent. I was never the cool kid but I tried to do life without God and discovered I hated life and didn't want to go on because it was so worthless. Now I have purpose and excitement about what is coming tomorrow, next year, and for the rest of my life.

[Smoke]

It was an April Fool's joke. I guess I'm a fool. :(

07 Apr 05
"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

Source: Toolband.com

[Private Hudson]

Hahahahah!!

I love Maynard. :)

[EdenMaster]

...

[Undertow]

Besides the fact that Blair seemed to of typed the "news" completly tongue in cheek (bands goes off and plays golf, adam sits around writing stuff anyways) I think this was a dead give away:

02 Apr 05
TOOLTABS

Please note that the folks at Tooltabs.net are not in any way affilated with the band, are not members of the band in disguise, so please don't send them email regarding Toolband.com or Toolarmy.com issues (such as TA account info). Besides, I think these guys will have their hands full with the new stuff when it's released.

But, yea, laffo.

Oh, someone on a band I've heard the name of before but don't care about, like most all rock bands... yeah, I did hear of this. Like a week ago, at least... eh, whatever. It happens, if it's true.

I truely care about your lack of enthusism for tool's music. I'm going to go off and burn all of my non-existant video game/ anime soundtracks in spite.

[A Black Falcon]

So I'm supposed to care about kinds of music I don't like just to make you happy?

[Smoke]

Well in Undertow's defense if you didn't care you didn't have to post in this thread.

[A Black Falcon]

What I'd heard of was the guy LL mentioned, I think.

[Smoke]

Head from Korn?

[A Black Falcon]

Becoming a Christian, yeah.

[Smoke]

The difference there is Korn can still go on without him. Had Maynard quit two rock bands would be without their lead singer/songwriter. Not to mention his fans practically worship him as a god. He's a cult of personality.

[A Black Falcon]

Ah.

[Undertow]

So I'm supposed to care about kinds of music I don't like just to make you happy?

I was really making a jab for when you used to get on my case for not liking anime... for old time's sake. Instead of justifying my previous sentence, I'm just going to make the old excuse that it was late in the morning and I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

[A Black Falcon]

Ah.

[Great Rumbler]

Anime > Maynard

You know this to be true!!

...

Haha! Argumentation.

[Undertow]

Anime > Maynard

You know this to be true!!

...

Haha! Argumentation.

Lies...LIES. NOOOOOOOOO.

[Great Rumbler]

You do know that the particular smilie you just posted was inspired by an anime, right?

[Undertow]

You do know that the particular smilie you just posted was inspired by an anime, right?

Yea, Dragon Crawl D or something. You seriously don't think I was argueing just then, do you?

[Great Rumbler]

Dragon Crawl D? I do hope you're just joking. :D

[Undertow]

.nosrep suoires yrev a m'I !REVEN

[Great Rumbler]

No you're not.

[Smoke]

Maynard > Every last damn anime ever made

And I am serious.

[Private Hudson]

You're still embarrassing me Smokey.

;)

[Smoke]

You know it's true! :D

[Great Rumbler]

You so crazy, Smoke.

[Private Hudson]

Preaching Tool's greatness to people who don't care is about the most embarrassing thing in the world for fellow Tool fan's.

So just shut the fuck up, ok, Smokey?

;)

[A Black Falcon]

Anime's better than any one musician.

[Private Hudson]

What if that musician is respsonbile for ALL anime????

[Smoke]

Preaching Tool's greatness to people who don't care is about the most embarrassing thing in the world for fellow Tool fan's.

So just shut the fuck up, ok, Smokey?

;)

I couldn't care less what Tool fans think. I've read the stuff that Tool fans write online and they do a pretty good job of embarrassing themselves without my help. Before you or anyone else become embarrassed by what anyone else writes you should take a long hard look at yourself. I'm sure you'll find plenty to be embarrassed about.

[Private Hudson]

What?

No.... I...

I have a large cock.

Or... is that not what you meant?

[Smoke]

[EdenMaster]

That's a hilarious picture :D

[geoboy]

http://whereisyourgodnow.ytmnd.com/

[Dark Jaguar]

We should pit the Burger King against the King of all Cosmos!

[EdenMaster]

Who makes those damn ytmnd things, anyhow??

[geoboy]

Anyone who signs up to be a member. I'm a member, but I don't have any good ideas for a site...

Actually, I had an idea the other day and now I can't remember it. Oh great. This is gonna bother me for weeks now!