The Episode III spoiler-filled reviews and impressions thread

[Darunia]

You all need to pull your heads out of George Lucas' ass. You're all so in love with him that he could've used nothing more than ten minutes of washing machine stock footage, and you ALL would still have been blown away by it.

I was really excited about this one, Episode III.

I'd been looking forward to it for...well, years, really.

And George Lucas did not fail...

...to disappoint me.

I realized within the first few minutes that it would be a poorly filmed 2-hour videogame commercial. Gone is the gritty realism (how abouy real fucking flesh-and-blood actors?) of the 70's and 80's. Gone is the good soundtrack (Episode III's music has nothing on Episodes IV-VI, or even I or II.) Gone is all of that great mystery that has surrounded the birth of Vader for the past 28 years. My grievances are countless, but amongst them:

--Horrible, 6th-grade-level, overly theatrical dialogue.

--Horrible acting, including the laughably unconvincing "emotional" scenes.

--Fighters suspiciously like X-wings? And here I thought that Incom defected to the Alliance with this sleek all-original design. Nope.

--Chewbacca saved Yoda. Really. Of all the infinite gajillions of beings in the Star Wars galaxy, is just happens to be Chewbacca. No shit.

--Anakin goes from being horrified about killing Mace Windu to unquestioning Palpatine-goon in... what, 10 seconds? That was easy.

--Yoda tries once to kill Palpatine, and safely escaping, abdicates? No second try?

--Padme dies of a broken heart...? Little less lame, please.

--The Tantive IV does not look like the Tantive IV in Episode IV. Sadly, like every other ship on Episodes I-III, it looks like a flashy and colorful videogame cutscene.

--The Death Star was begun during the course of Episode III; and is only finished in Episode IV: That's twenty years. Yet the Death Star II is built between episodes V and VI; two years. Hmmm.

--General Grievous' gigantic space cruiser can be successfully piloted, even broke in two, and flaming out of control, by one person...?

--Obi-Wan and Yoda find the surveillance footage of Palpatine killing everyone, and surely they show him confessing to being a Sith lord... couldn't they foil his plot by releasing this to the Holonet?

--Only about three of the six thousand scenes were actually built in the real world; the rest were about as convincingly real as something a kindergartener could've sketched out with a crayon.

--It didn't take very much convincing for Anakin to turn evil, and try to kill Obi-Wan. And since he only turns evil for Padme, when he sees Padme pleading with him, why doesn't he come to his senses...?

--The entire Republic military is comprised of a bunch of clones and the Jedi? Really? There aren't like any officers, or engineers, or quartermasters... just clone troopers and a few Jedi?

--George Lucas destroyed the awesome, fearful, ominous aura of evil that Palpatine had in Episode VI. In Episode III, he's just a wrinkly-faced acrobat in one scene, and in the other he whines like a fucking girl. He's evil, yes, but... I just can't respect his character anymore.

--If it took ten seconds of force lightning to permanently scar Palpatine in Episode III, why wasn't Luke permanently scarred on the Second Death Star? And it was HIS OWN goddamn force lightning... why didn't he just stop trying to use it on Mace Windu, seeing how it was being reflected back at himself?

--Did General Grievous' character serve ANY POINT AT ALL, or is Lucas simply trying to dazzle people with an overly elaborate action figure?

--"Yoda will always been friend to the Wookies." Corniest. Line. Ever.

--Is the entire galaxy so stupid that its Senatorial delegations didn't even question Palpatine? I mean, he's obviously evil; he sounds evil, and he's ugly... and when he declares the Empire, they only applaud? Poor script x10.

--The ending was so confusingly and poorly jumbled together, it... well it just sucked. And they throw in Moff Tarkin too, just to get a rise out of us old school fans. How financially lucrative of Lucas.

--Episode IV took place one one planet, one space station, and one moon. Episode V took place on two planets. Episode VI, two planets. All of these were shot in real environments, here on Earth, so they looked very real. And they had real actors. It was, in essence, "real". Episode III: Six or seven brightly colored, overly stimulating and very fake-looking videogame maps; populated by a galaxy of pixelated denizens.

--In a galaxy where trans-galactic space travel is a daily routine, there is no way or easing the pain of a mother in childbirth... as we can see, as Padme is in agony. Hmmm.

--Padme just makes up the names Luke and Leia on her deathbed. No backstory there, just... random?

--Anakin/Darth Vader closely interracts with R2-D2 and he even built C3PO. This is essential to the plots of Episodes I-III. So, why is it that in Episodes IV-VI, he does not even acknowledge them? Wouldn't he at least react to seeing them, after so much of his youth was spent with them?

--Darth Vader is born on an operating table. This whole scene was very reminescent of a Frankenstein theme. In Star Wars, that is nothing short of hysterically dumb. I shuddered as I watch it on the screen. Is he the all-powerful Dark Lord of the Sith, or is he Frankenstein?

--It is because of his love for Padme that Anakin succumbs to the Dark Side. After all that he did in the name of that love, when he learns of her death, all he does is throw a fit and scream "no?" That whole scene was spoon-gaggingly lame.




------More to come.