News From the Goron Front

[Darunia]

GORON CITY, HYRULE--In recent news from the Goron war front, the mighty Goron war machine has been almost entirely handicapped in its grand, glorious campaigns due to a crippling war against a computer virus. The Goron Imperial Army has been rendered virtually immobile for several weeks now, the Goron ambassador to Tendo City reports. "His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Darunia S. Goron XIV, wishes his loyal comrades at Tendo City to know that the war carries on, albeit not well," the ambassador told this correspondent at an interview in his Tendo City embassy. Putting down a warm plate of molten rocks, he continued, "but his majesty is growing concerned. The virus assumes the identity of a "kernel32.dll" file, and even now it grows in power. The Goron Army is hapless against a foe which will not fight in a conventional manner. This virus," the ambassador said even as he began to choke on tears, "it does not fight conventionally---it cannot be reasoned with. First, it just prevented us from using the Start Up menu in Windows... then it gave us all these bogus error messages. Then, the internet---we can get online, but neither AIM nor Internet Explorer function. Some programs, like Winamp, work normally; others, like Paint and JPeg-viewing programs freeze when used. It...it's just not human." The ambassador broke down at this point and the interview was terminated. On the war front, the Goron casualties continued to mount on Tuesday; numbering well into the tens of thousands. The Goron II Imperial Army was swiftly defeated by the Virus forces yesterday, and the war effort grows dim. If things continue as such, the hard drive will either need to be formatted, or worse, a new computer will need to be purchased. His Imperial Majesty sends his heavy-hearted greetings to the Tendo City establishment, and wishes them all well.
-------BARRY