Emperior Toven is Not Pleased with the Goron Empire

[etoven]

From: The TovenNet Empire Affairs Security

His high magistracy emperor Erich Toven, ruler of TC and all things Nintendo including the mighty Goron and Goron Empire is not pleased with Darunia's constant attack on Nintendo citizens.

There for in accordance with TovenNet law all Goron citizens are ordered to scrub all TovenNet server rooms indefinitely.

All Goron's failing to show up for work detail Wednesday Morning are subject to dismissal from the Nintendo empire.

Signed..

Pig Slime Face

Sr. TovenNet Affairs Security and second anus to Emperor Erich Toven high ruller of TC and all things Nintendo.

[Weltall]

no no no.

Tendo City's entire service economy revolves around frequent Goron invasions. It's good for business.

[Moiraine]

Guess who's back... Anyone miss me?... doubt it.

[etoven]

Guess who's back... Anyone miss me?... doubt it.

[COW]Welcome back to TC Moiraine[/COW]
Here's a recap...

• I now run these parts..
  
• I don't know you..
  
• Return often and earn cookies..
  
• Collect 5 cookies and receive a pat on the back..
  
• Collect 10 cookies and win $350 plus 5 NES games...
  

[ACTION]There are no cookies...[/ACTION]

[EdenMaster]

I'm betting you probably do know Moiraine, or at least of her, you just don't realize who she is.

[Moiraine]

you're right.. you don't know me, however I know about you. Now that I know my password I plan on posting when I can.

[Weltall]

I don't even think I knew you the last time Moiraine hit town.

All's I have to say, Toven, is that when you refer to "Usher", you'll have to specify now.

[Moiraine]

I'm betting you probably do know Moiraine, or at least of her, you just don't realize who she is.

Wow you remember me?

[etoven]

Well it's not Ryan, wrong IP.. And he's the only one I know in Richmond..

[etoven]

I don't even think I knew you the last time Moiraine hit town.

All's I have to say, Toven, is that when you refer to "Usher", you'll have to specify now.

Owww. Snap!

[Moiraine]

Yes'sir that would be me. Having a hard time changing my info because I have no idea where to go on here to do so.

[Weltall]

"User CP", at the top-left.

[Moiraine]

It keeps saying something about a "Type N here" ???

[etoven]

I am Vaguely remembering a thread about dead baby jokes now...

[etoven]

It keeps saying something about a "Type N here" ???

You have to type N in the box. To prove your not a bot.

[Dark Jaguar]

One side or the other will win, and then the Shinryu will purify the world, wiping the slate clean, rebirthing all the warriors to begin again in search of creating the ultimate warrior. It's all basically one big genetic algorithm.

[Weltall]

[EdenMaster]

God I love The Onion.

[Dark Jaguar]

What the heck is an Emperior?

[alien space marine]

O rebirthing all the warriors to begin again in search of creating the ultimate warrior. It's all basically one big genetic algorithm.

[Darunia]

ATTN: TOVEN
FROM: HRM, DARUNIA
SUB: Intolerable Insolence

SIR-- Firs of all please accept my most humble and heart-felt welcome back to Tendo City! However, please be advised that since annexation, this is sovereign territory of the Goron Military. You may have noticed that marshall law has been lifted due to good behavior of HRM's subjects lately... however, a fully staffed garrison is located downtown, on 656 Nintendo Street. I pray, Sir, that you listen to reasn and immediately recant your insolence... if you do not by the time I get back from tonisht's Red Sox game, I fear dire consequences not only for you, but also for your fellow Tendites.

Do the right thing. Confess and beg mercy.

Yours
HRM Darunius Maximus, Rex Goronorumque Tendorum

[EdenMaster]

*Two dark figures approach each other out of the darkness in an empty parking garage*

Toven: Thank you for meeting me on such short notice.

EdenMaster: Not a problem.

Toven: Did you bring it?

EdenMaster: I did. The one thing that can put an end to the treachery overtaking your rightful land.

Toven: Yes...This should do it... thanks fo--

*Toven abruptly stops talking as he notices EdenMaster has already disappeared back into the shadows*

[Dark Jaguar]

Only one thing can save us now. Perhaps this thing.

[Weltall]

How about a double whammy: not only strike the crab in its weak point for massive damage, but summon a beautiful woman to do it for you.

[Dark Jaguar]

<img src="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090105180949/dissidia/images/2/2f/Emperor_artwork.jpg">

The only one fit to rule, is I.

[etoven]

How about a double whammy: not only strike the crab in its weak point for massive damage, but summon a beautiful woman to do it for you.

That thing Mrs. Hottie is playing looks like it came out of Zelda.

[Dark Jaguar]

That thing Mrs. Hottie is playing looks like it came out of Zelda.

I... just... never mind...

[Darunia]

TO: ALL CONCERNED
FROM: HRM DARUNIUS MAXIMUS
SUBJ: WAR CRIMES

BE IT KNOWN THAT THE USAGE OF 'SARIA'S SONG', BEING THE PIVOTAL BANE OF ALL GORONS, IS FORBIDDEN UNDER THE GENEVA CONVENTION, (ARTICLE 9, PARAGRAPH 42). THE CONTINUED USAGE OF SAID SONG WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

HRM DARUNIUS MAXIMUS, REX GORONORUMQUE TENDORUM

[Weltall]

I... just... never mind...

Is it possible to second a thought which is impossible to completely form?

If so, consider it done.

:amunk:

[The Emperor]

Such meaningless declarations of power do not befit a true ruler such as I. Simply lay down your arms and I shall gladly provide the leadership you truly desire.

[Weltall]

Why does Lady Gaga rule Tendo City now?

I'm awfully confused.

[The Emperor]

Ultimecia? Don't be absurd. I'm a far older and greater power than that.

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[Darunia]

Why does Lady Gaga rule Tendo City now?

L O L... so much for you gaudy attire, Imperial pretender!


DARUNIA: So, meddlesome urchin, you require an example of my power? So be it. And your fellow Tendites will have nobody to blame for you... have I not always been lax, and understanding, with the application of Goron High Law? And as such, have we not all learned to live in relative peace and harmony? And this day's lawlessness... is how you repay me? So be it! You bring this upon yourself! BEGIN THE MARSHALL LAW!

*Goron troops in heavy riot gear descend from the garrison, waving batons and tasers, driving the populace out of the streets and into hiding. All venues and business are shuttered, and blockades are situated at every exit and egress of the city.*

[Weltall]

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[Darunia]

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER SHOW THAT TO ANYONE!

Weltall: Ha! Got ya good, rock boy!

(Weltall, sitting at his PC, hears a noise from the kitchen, but dismisses it as nothing. He returns to his computer.)

(Suddenly, Goron troops burst into the room)

TROOP: GET THE FUCK ON THE FLOOR! NOW!

Weltall: Wha--

TROOP: GET THE FUCK ON THE FLOOR!

Weltall: You're not real! You're just fake!

(Weltall feels the very real pain of a Goron rifle butt being directed firmly into his crotch. He is thrown violently to the floor, and straddled by six Goron troops who bind and hogtie him.)

(His computer is smashed to pieces, and the house is burned to the ground. Weltall, meanwhile, is to stand trial for Treason.)

TROOP: ANYONE ELSE WANT TO PLAY EMBARASSING FOOTAGE OF H.R.M?

[The Emperor]

An imitation ruler with the same sorry scandals as anyone else. You are not fit to rule anything. There can be only one emperor, and it is I. The living, the dead, even the divine shall come under my rule.

[Dark Jaguar]

Indeed, look into his eyes. :D

<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1c/Bowie_in_Labyrinth.png">

[Weltall]

But, that emperor sucks.

At least Ultimecia took a half hour to kill. Mateus took . . . two hits from the goddamn Blood sword. He's easier than at least half of the regular random encounters in the game.

[Dark Jaguar]

Didn't he steal a baby or something, or am I thinking of something else? To be fair, Darunia was just a friendly guy on a mountain that never really seemed like the "world domination" type. In fact the one time we see him doing anything close to fighting, he's basically nowhere while Link takes out a big ol' dragon. Yeah, I don't think Darunia is that big a threat.

I think Matt's probably tougher in the NES version.

Interesting avatar... mesmerizing... I can't look away. Is that Mr. Bean?

[Darunia]

INSOLENT SCUM! I SHALL RAZE TENDO CITY TO THE GROUND AND THEN SALT THE EARTH, THAT NOTHING SHALL EVER GROW AGAIN!

[Weltall]

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[The Emperor]

Do not compare me to mere goblin kings! To me even a jaguar is but a kitten.

I have heard of your lack of stature puny imitation goron. Ahohoho, you already do look up to me it seems.

Darunia: I'm just the distraction!

*Giant foot of Weltall descends*

Ungaahhhh!

...This is exactly as I had planned. Even in your defiance you still work towards my ends. I have descended to the black gates of hell only to rise again as the ruler of that realm. Know that all your dreams are but dust in the face of my desires.

<img src="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080216001317/finalfantasy/images/6/68/EmperorPalamecia.png">

[Dark Jaguar]

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I know not how to interpret this madness. I... have lost all concepts of reality!

[Darunia]

@ Christoph Waltz: I loved this guy in Inglorious Basters, and I heard he was weird, but... I don't know what the hell the deal is with that video.

@ The Pretender:

You have been warned.

*Declares formal state of war on the Pretender*

*Mobilizes 1st, 3rd 6th and 10th Goron Armies*

*Begins conscription en masse*

*Pushes tough economic sanctions through the UN security council, essentially leaving the Pretender and Tendo City as pariahs on the world stage*

[Dark Jaguar]

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Now I'm even more confused.

[Sacred Jellybean]

Ahahaha, this has got to be a joke. I mean the shot with all the sheep with bows on them pretty much seals it. He's probably just a performance artist. As for the original video, he was probably just playing homage to it. Maybe he wanted to spoof something really cheesy and put a weird spin on it.

"You have to understand, the humping is not a metaphor. Yes, the eukalali is. The telephone, the lamp... self-explanatory. The humping... uh, which part don't you understand?"

[Weltall]

You don't know who Christoph Waltz is?

That alone is half of why it's funny. ;D

[EdenMaster]

I was gonna post the original Trololo, but I figured it'd had gone viral enough that you'd have seen it already to place the reference

[Sacred Jellybean]

Yeah, I never heard of this guy. I haven't seen Inglourious Basterds, and from what the video said, it seems he was even less famous before that. I checked his IMDB entry, looks like he wasn't anything I've seen either.

I'm definitely more inclined to see Inglourious Basterds now. I've heard it's pretty good (even by Tarantino standards, seems a lot of movie nerds think Pulp Fiction is his only actually "good" movie), and it won an Academy Award? Who'd have thought Tarantino would make a movie that wins one. :) His stuff is pretty esoteric and in the cult status. Go Quentin!

[Weltall]

Not only is it good, it is good primarily because of Christoph Waltz.

As funny as he is (and he has some moments in the movie, too), he portrays a very chilling Nazi.