17th May 2015, 3:48 PM
hey y'all I'm here to tell you about ~*BLOODBORNE*~, a game I ignored for many weeks because all the preview videos on Polygon made it look boring. There was no zest, it was just some cookie-cutter Victorian hack-n-slash. For reasons unspecified, I picked up a copy today on impulse.
Fuck, 65 bucks for a PS4 game?! And with Gamestop, it used to be that if you didn't like a game, you could take it back within one week and exchange it for another. For a full refund, maybe not cash, but store credit at least. But now, taking it back means I'd only get half that in store credit, what the fuck Gamestop?!
Anyway, ~*BLOODBORNE*~ is a game where you go on and fight baddies and harvest their ~*BLOOD*~ so you can get ~*BLOOD ECHOES*~. If this sounds like a shit Anne Rice novel, well... just be glad there aren't any rock star vampires. Yet. You start the game pretty much unarmed, and you have to fist-fight a large wolf. Inevitably he kills your ass, so they send you to some Dream world, to let you equip some weapons to go back and beat the snot out of him.
So I get to select a Melee weapon and a Projectile one. Okay sure fine, I'll take this big saw thingy here. I have a choice between two guns, no idea how either of them work. Fuck it, flip a coin, good enough. Now let's get this show on the road. LET'S GO KICK THAT WOLF'S ASS. Wait. How do I get out of here? So I'm running all around the Dream-world like a chump trying to figure it out. I finally google it, and you have to go to some random gravestone to escape, wtf. How was I supposed to know that? I kind of wish video games gave stupid people like me more direction to figure out wtf I'm doing.
Okay so I get summoned back up and YEAH, TIME TO ICE THAT MOTHER FUCKING WOLF. Ow, hey, fuck, stop that. Oh shit, he bit me the third time. I'm dead. My character crumples to the ground.
...yes, I died. Thanks, game. So I gathered. So I'm taken to a loading screen that says
and it takes a minute to load. C'mon, hurry up. I want to play again. Whew, okay, here I go again, let's take this wolf dow-
...you son-of-a-bitch. Okay, I'm still getting used to the controls, that's alright. Now if I could-
I KNOW I FUCKING DIED, I SAW MY CHARACTER DO IT, STOP
tanoehutrneouhrsaepuhcrRRRRGGHHH
So after maybe ten tries, I finally get the bastard. Frustrating, but manageable. So I pop out of whatever castle I'm in and get on the streets. Everything has a brown/red/gray tint. Boring aesthetic, boring color scheme. Where's the personality to this game for Christ's sake?? Okay, here's some townsfolk and they're a little easier. Dodge, slash once-or-twice, bing bang boom... blah.
I'm at a part where there's a big fuck-off mob of people marching the streets with torches and pitchforks and whatever else they could arm themselves with. Sounds pretty cool, right? ...no, it's not cool. It's fucking
Okay, this hack saw thing I've been using is pretty good, now let me use my gun. I'm at the point where I really need a projectile weapon. ...wait, where is it? I pressed the left D-pad like the game told me to. My Helsing stand-in just kind of stands there, worthlessly patting his ass-pockets and then looking back at me, like he's shrugging and saying "Well, you tell me ol' Beanjo."
wut. Open inventory, go to weapons... yep, it's right there. Two menu options:
USE (grayed out)
DISCARD
...I paid good fucking money for this gun! Now I can't use it?! As I kill enemies, I keep getting these Bullets, but I guess my gun can't use them? Fuck, should have chosen the other gun. Maybe I can go back to the Dream world and exchange it. I think there was a portal back there... YES! Okay, here I am, now where was that weapons shop? ...it's gone. fuck. I'm saddled with a projectile I can't use, constantly teased by getting the wrong bullets and making the wrong choice. Well fuck damn it, how was I supposed to know?!
God fucking damn it ~*BLOODBORNE*~, you're getting on my nerves. Should have never listened to the guy at the auto tire shop.
3/10 so far, let's hope it improves. How the fuck did this get good reviews anywhere? ...oh, right. Video games reviews are worthless. Someone get those Gamergate morons on the line and tell them to fight the real injustice, websites like Polygon and IGN pretending that shit like ~*BLOODBORNE*~ is not only passable, but purportedly entertaining.
...
Fuck, 65 bucks for a PS4 game?! And with Gamestop, it used to be that if you didn't like a game, you could take it back within one week and exchange it for another. For a full refund, maybe not cash, but store credit at least. But now, taking it back means I'd only get half that in store credit, what the fuck Gamestop?!
Anyway, ~*BLOODBORNE*~ is a game where you go on and fight baddies and harvest their ~*BLOOD*~ so you can get ~*BLOOD ECHOES*~. If this sounds like a shit Anne Rice novel, well... just be glad there aren't any rock star vampires. Yet. You start the game pretty much unarmed, and you have to fist-fight a large wolf. Inevitably he kills your ass, so they send you to some Dream world, to let you equip some weapons to go back and beat the snot out of him.
So I get to select a Melee weapon and a Projectile one. Okay sure fine, I'll take this big saw thingy here. I have a choice between two guns, no idea how either of them work. Fuck it, flip a coin, good enough. Now let's get this show on the road. LET'S GO KICK THAT WOLF'S ASS. Wait. How do I get out of here? So I'm running all around the Dream-world like a chump trying to figure it out. I finally google it, and you have to go to some random gravestone to escape, wtf. How was I supposed to know that? I kind of wish video games gave stupid people like me more direction to figure out wtf I'm doing.
Okay so I get summoned back up and YEAH, TIME TO ICE THAT MOTHER FUCKING WOLF. Ow, hey, fuck, stop that. Oh shit, he bit me the third time. I'm dead. My character crumples to the ground.
...yes, I died. Thanks, game. So I gathered. So I'm taken to a loading screen that says
and it takes a minute to load. C'mon, hurry up. I want to play again. Whew, okay, here I go again, let's take this wolf dow-
...you son-of-a-bitch. Okay, I'm still getting used to the controls, that's alright. Now if I could-
I KNOW I FUCKING DIED, I SAW MY CHARACTER DO IT, STOP
tanoehutrneouhrsaepuhcrRRRRGGHHH
So after maybe ten tries, I finally get the bastard. Frustrating, but manageable. So I pop out of whatever castle I'm in and get on the streets. Everything has a brown/red/gray tint. Boring aesthetic, boring color scheme. Where's the personality to this game for Christ's sake?? Okay, here's some townsfolk and they're a little easier. Dodge, slash once-or-twice, bing bang boom... blah.
I'm at a part where there's a big fuck-off mob of people marching the streets with torches and pitchforks and whatever else they could arm themselves with. Sounds pretty cool, right? ...no, it's not cool. It's fucking
Okay, this hack saw thing I've been using is pretty good, now let me use my gun. I'm at the point where I really need a projectile weapon. ...wait, where is it? I pressed the left D-pad like the game told me to. My Helsing stand-in just kind of stands there, worthlessly patting his ass-pockets and then looking back at me, like he's shrugging and saying "Well, you tell me ol' Beanjo."
wut. Open inventory, go to weapons... yep, it's right there. Two menu options:
USE (grayed out)
DISCARD
...I paid good fucking money for this gun! Now I can't use it?! As I kill enemies, I keep getting these Bullets, but I guess my gun can't use them? Fuck, should have chosen the other gun. Maybe I can go back to the Dream world and exchange it. I think there was a portal back there... YES! Okay, here I am, now where was that weapons shop? ...it's gone. fuck. I'm saddled with a projectile I can't use, constantly teased by getting the wrong bullets and making the wrong choice. Well fuck damn it, how was I supposed to know?!
God fucking damn it ~*BLOODBORNE*~, you're getting on my nerves. Should have never listened to the guy at the auto tire shop.
3/10 so far, let's hope it improves. How the fuck did this get good reviews anywhere? ...oh, right. Video games reviews are worthless. Someone get those Gamergate morons on the line and tell them to fight the real injustice, websites like Polygon and IGN pretending that shit like ~*BLOODBORNE*~ is not only passable, but purportedly entertaining.
...