Tendo City X: Revenge of the Goron

[Darunia]

*Goron troops smash into Tendo City. Everyone is alarmed.*

Lazyfatbum: What is this? Who are you? What are you doing here?

GORON LIEUTENANT: Freeze! Not a word!

(Lazy is promptly beaten)

ENTER DARUNIA

DARUNIA: These forums and all within them are now the sovereign property of the Holy Goron Empire!

WELTALL: (Laughing, mocking) Oh jeeze, Darunia, are you back on that stupid imperialistic shit again? It's been years. We just hang out now and talk about stuff in here now. The days of conflict are long gone.

DARUNIA (TO TROOPS): Raze it all! Loot and plunder! Take the women into your arms! Kill all who resist!

[Weltall]

Yay! The Goron has become recidivist!

[DMiller]

Only problem with your decree: there are no women here.

[Geno]

^What about DJ?

/worn out joke

[Darunia]

After speaking with my liasions it has been concluded that there are no women here. Therefore we shall allow not take the women. But the rest of the stuff... ya!

[alien space marine]

Hides TC cow

[etoven]

Remember this first video??
I thought it only fitting I re-post it.

[MOVIE]http://www.tcforums.com/etoven/TendoMovieNast.flv[/MOVIE]

[EdenMaster]

It is never fitting to post that monstrosity.

[Darunia]

I stopped watching that once I started seeing male ass. I assume its still playing. My answer in response to this?


*MANDATES CURFEW IN TC*

NO POSTS AFTER 1:00PM! I WILL HAVE ORDER!

[alien space marine]

I stopped watching that once I started seeing male ass. I assume its still playing. My answer in response to this?


*MANDATES CURFEW IN TC*

NO POSTS AFTER 1:00PM! I WILL HAVE ORDER!

The video says that you were raised by Nazis

[Darunia]

Wrong.

They were Italian fascisti.

[alien space marine]

Wrong.

They were Italian fascisti.

Do you get discounts at the Oliver garden?

[Darunia]

15% on weekdays... no discount on weekends, BUT I do get a free side order of breadsticks with every full-priced entree. Not the best, but better than nothing.

[Great Rumbler]

DARUNIA (TO TROOPS): Raze it all! Loot and plunder! Take the women into your arms! Kill all who resist!

*Goron troops begin destroying several straw and manure hovels while the poverty-stricken and half-starved denizens of Tendo Slum look on with vacant, uncaring eyes*

DARUNIA: GWAHAHAHA! You have no hope to survive, make your time!

*skies open and a beam of pure light descends*

GORON LIEUTENANT: WHAT THE FU-*is immediately vaporized into dust*

*GREAT RUMBLER appears in the midst of the light, clad in a blank trench coat, wearing Rayban sunglasses, and carrying two .357 magnums*

DARUNIA: You! I sent my best men to hunt you down a kill you! The assured me that their plan was a success! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

GREAT RUMBLER: Deal with it. *shoots Darunia through the head*

DARUNIA: *dies*

[Weltall]

A bullet to the face only pisses him off more.

[Great Rumbler]

A bullet to the face only pisses him off more.

Not if it's a MAGIC bullet. :FuckYou:

[Darunia]

A bullet to the face only pisses him off more.

No, he was right. Magic bullets only tickle Goron's.

*Withdraws Goron offensive in light of the unexpected defense put up by Great Rumbler. Puts in place a siege and a blockade of Tendo City.*

DARUNIA: The siege will end when we have Rumbler's head on a spike!

[Great Rumbler]

I put my head on a spike AGES ago and it feels GREAT. You should really try it, fixed all the problems I had with my back and everything. And the best part? I save all the money I used to waste on food!

[Darunia]

*Baffled and bewildered, Darunia stumbles away from the siege lines.*

DARUNIA: I must confide in my war council before planning my next move!

(Later that night: Goron's enormous war pavilion)

DARUNIA: This Great Rumbler is a wise one... we've never dealth with one like him.

GORON FIELD MARSHALL KEITEL: Nonsense. He is a big of flotsam. The only thing these Tendites understand is force. I'll take care of him, m'lord!

(Keitel unsheathes his Goron cavalry saber and charges at Great Rumbler--who sits alone in a tree, eating a squirrel.)

KEITEL: Have at you!

[Great Rumbler]

*Great Rumbler throws feces at KEITEL*

[Darunia]

*Darunia and a guard walk down a long, dark corridor. The walls are cold stone. There is little lighting.*

GUARD: Here it is, sir.

(Guard unlocks a door, Darunia enters to find Keitel in a straight jacket, gently rocking on a cot.)

DARUNIA: Keitel... what did they do to you?

KEITEL: I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.

DARUNIA: ... my god. Feces. The animals. This is war all over again!

[Great Rumbler]

*GREAT RUMBLER sips 1928-vintage Cabernet Sauvignon from a crystal goblet as several nubile slave girls clean the feces from his body*

WELTALL: They've retreated beyond the ridge, sire. But they shall be back soon, I think. Their man Keitel was last seen being hauled away in a straight-jacket and they're not likely to forget you doing such a thing to one as well-loved as he.

GREAT RUMBLER: Ah, war. My dear friend, do you not find war to be such a lovely thing? *laughs* The slaughter, the fires, the complete and utter devastation.

WELTALL: Sire, war should only be a last resort...

GREAT RUMBLER: Last resort? *throws goblet of wine against the floor, smashing it* I live for war! Don't presume to tell me what I should or should not do. When the Gorons come crashing over the walls of the city and the blood of our people runs through the streets, it shall be the most glorious day of our lives.

*WELTALL slowly backs away, a look of horror on his face*

WELTALL: You're mad! You will sell us all out for your bloodlust?!

GREAT RUMBLER: I can and I will! *turns to slave girls* Get out! *rises from throne made of human skeletons* We will watch Tendo City burn from its highest tower and we will listen to the cries of the damned as they sing to us the greatest melody ever written!

[Weltall]

If there's one thing Tendo City needs, it's more megalomaniacal, war-crazed madmen!

[Darunia]

*A goron dispatch runner appears over the dark, snowladen hills outside of Tendo City*

RUNNER: I bear a message for Great Rumbler!

(Great Rumbler appears at the city gates)

(Runner hands dispatch to him. He reads it.)


TO HIS EXCELLENT AND MIGHTY MAJESTY, GREAT RUMBLER,

I PROPOSE AN ALLIANCE TO ONCE AND FOR ALL LAY LOW TENDO CITY. IN THE WAKE, WE SHALL SPLIT THE SPOILS AND LAND FIFTY FIFTY. SPEED ME YOUR ANSWER.


HRM DARUNIA, ROI DES GORONS, SAGE DE FEUR, etc. etc.

[EdenMaster]

Don't do it, GR. It's clearly a trap. Never trust a Goron.

[Darunia]

*EdenMaster's body turns up some days later in the Tendo City River; his throat slashed, his hands cuffed behind his back, his head covered in a plastic bag, and his feet encased in concrete. It is ruled a suicide by the local Goron prefecture.*

[Weltall]

>It is ruled a suicide by the local Goron prefecture.

Sounds legitimate!

[EdenMaster]

*Darunia notices ripples in his wine as he sits at his throne, and they become stronger as soon he can feel the ground vibrating*

DARUNIA: You! Lackey! See what's going on out there!

*Lackey proceeds to the outer walls of Darunia's manor, seeing clouds of dust rise in the wake of massive tank-link machines with heavy weaponry mounted*

LACKEY: Darunia! Come quickly!"

*The largest tank smashes the outer wall*

DARUNIA: What is the meaning of this?!

*The throne room wall collapses revealing several silver and blue tanks. A hatch opens atop the leading tank and EdenMaster leers out from it*

DARUNIA: You! Y-you...died!

EDENMASTER: Come now, Darunia. You know I'm an FPS gamer. I respawned.

*EdenMaster dives back into his tank and crackling electricity begins to form around two large Tesla coils on the front of his tank*

*Darunia shits a brick*

[Great Rumbler]

GREAT RUMBLER: *from the top of the gates into Tendo City* I accept your offer, friend Goron! Let us lay low this lawless land and sow salt among its fields! Its women will wail with great lamentation and the men will be put to the sword!

*the gates of the Tendo City are flung wide and the howling hordes of Death Mountain pour into the city, their weapons raised high above their heads*

GREAT RUMBLER: So let it be done.

[Darunia]

*Elements of the 2nd, 5th and 9th Goron Armies pour into Tendo City through the East gate*

*The First, Third and Fourth Rumbler Armies enter through the western gate.*

*Tendo civil militia mounts a weak, paltry defense, but is easily cut down. Routed, they surrender in droves*

*172nd Goron Hussars capture Tendo City City Hall, put it to the flame*

*16th Goron Cuirassier Regiment capture Weltall (the presumed master of TC). He is in drag, trying to flee the city under the guise of humanitarian mercy customarily shown to women.) He is to be put on trial.*

*Rumbler forces occupy the western half, and Goron the eastern half. A demarcation line is drawn, and a committe is formed to fairly partake of the spoils of war.*

[Great Rumbler]

[Weltall]

Tendo City still offers resistance? I thought by now we were to the point where the invaders were given escort straight to wherever it was they wanted to go. It's even in the budget.

[Darunia]

Tendo City still offers resistance? I thought by now we were to the point where the invaders were given escort straight to wherever it was they wanted to go. It's even in the budget.


DARUNIA: Let me see that!

(Snatches budget from out of Weltall's hands.)

DARUNIA'S JEW-GORON ACCOUNT: It's true, m'lord, it's in the budget. It's a large percentage of expenditures, too. Second only to Weltall's pedicure budget.

DARUNIA: Well, it makes no difference. Henceforth, redirect that funding into our military budget. I don't have time for this, I have work to do!

(Goes to a meeting with Great Rumbler. Generals and aides-de-camp are on both sides.)

DARUNIA: Now then, good work, partner. Finally, Tendo City is subdued. I suggest that I occupy the eastern sector in perpetuity... in exchange, you occupy the western half. We will have a demarcation line through here (Darunia gestures along a map on the table.) Furthermore, Tendo City will admit fault for the conflict, and pay us each an indemnity of 5.5 trillion rupees ($25.00 US dollars.) Agreed?

[Great Rumbler]

GREAT RUMBLER: Agreed.

*the two shake hands*

[Weltall]

Do you smell what I smell?

I smell COLD WAR.

[Great Rumbler]

Ain't no war like a Cold War.

[Geno]

This Cold War's about to get HOT! GENO FLASH! *streaks across Tendo City; as everyone shields their eyes, Geno steals their wallets*

[Darunia]

Nonsense. The Pact of Steel, as our alliance is called, shall last a thousand years.

[Great Rumbler]

Nonsense. The Pact of Steel, as our alliance is called, shall last a thousand years.

Which, ironically, coincides with the day my clone finally breaks loose from the underground prison you hid him away in!

[Darunia]

Indeed! But, I fail to see how that is pertinent... if there are, as you say, already several of you running around, and we're in alliance, then one more of you can only strengthen our forces.

*Declares formal state of war on Denmark*

Care to join in? I'll give you Copenhagen...

[Great Rumbler]

No thanks, I'm not big on chewing tobacco. *rim shot*

[Darunia]

*Annexes Denmark*

Dammit... now what do I use Copenhagen for? I can't even GIVE the damn thing away!

*Razes Copenhagen, builds a Goron-themed shopping man.*

[alien space marine]

Jyllands-Posten: Pays cartoonist to draw caricatures of Mohamed sucking Darunia's cock, Then they publish it online and destribute it across the Muslim world.

and some time later , The council of clerics call for a Jihad against the Goron empire and Denmark , Hordes of homicidal mujaheddin descend on the Baltic.

In other news , The world demolition society announces a shortage in explosives do to the high demand from the middle east.

[A Black Falcon]

Hey, Copenhagen's a very nice city. I've been there, it was great. :)

[Darunia]

*Cedes Copenhagen to ABF*

[Geno]

Sweet, now we can have summits on global warming--oh, 'scuse me, climate change! :)

Last meeting, we concluded the following about climate change:
-It sucks.

Anyone have something new they'd like to bring to the board?