22nd March 2010, 11:50 AM
I have read your chapter and have some problems with it.
Firstly, I must draw attention to the central protagonist, Jack. While I believe that you succeed in developing your character throughout the first and second acts, the third act leaves many questions open. Secondly, I must criticize the pace of the chapter. It gets off to a dizzying pace, but really slows down in the middle. Again, the ending is rather untied, and needs a little work. I find myself still asking a lot of questions, like "what does Jack like to play?" and "if Jack is dull, why doesn't he get a hobby?" Besides that, I found several typos, and I found some material that seemed a bit racist... I suggest you remove that prior to attempting publication. Make these corrections and I believe I can sign you to a major contract.
Firstly, I must draw attention to the central protagonist, Jack. While I believe that you succeed in developing your character throughout the first and second acts, the third act leaves many questions open. Secondly, I must criticize the pace of the chapter. It gets off to a dizzying pace, but really slows down in the middle. Again, the ending is rather untied, and needs a little work. I find myself still asking a lot of questions, like "what does Jack like to play?" and "if Jack is dull, why doesn't he get a hobby?" Besides that, I found several typos, and I found some material that seemed a bit racist... I suggest you remove that prior to attempting publication. Make these corrections and I believe I can sign you to a major contract.
H.R.M. DARVNIVS MAXIMVS EX TENEBRIS EXIT REX DEVSQVE GORONORVMQVE TENDORVM ROMANORVM ET GRÆCORVM OMNIS SEMPER EST