4th January 2006, 10:20 AM
Kart Kartoon Racing
We play test the iRiver's killer app
by Anoop Gantayat
January 3, 2006 - iRiver G10, an adventurous little handheld from Reigncom is set to offer an overly expensive product line that is ready to gain little to no interest among anyone.
We sat down with senior VP in marketing and sales for Reigncom, Dr. Shitbomb, who gave us a tour of the iRiver's launch title ,Kartoon Kart Racing.
"It's like licking your grandmother" Said Dr. Shitbomb, "It (the system) is conducive to gaming, and by conducive, I refer directly to abortion." Dr. Shitbomb knows what he's talking about as he's had many years experience with the ideal of abortions. He explains; "Every time I get a girl pregnant she screams get it it out, get it out. God, all the crying."
Kartoon Kart Racing opens up with a screen apologizing to people who bought the handheld devise and showcases a nifty start-up screen which bears the mark of the beast. Shitbomb made refference to this as "How the 7 headed beast will find its followers.". Once the main menu kicked on, we were ready to give our souls up for grabs.
First off, the characters all range in size and ability much like Mario Kart, having a balance of top speed and acceleration. "We didn't want to do any actual work" said Shitbomb, "It's like every Kart game you ever played, except, again." He then went on how certain elements of gameplay are used to highten the sense of making the purchase of the iRiver G10 feel validated when in reality you just bought another MP3 player. "But not just any mp3 player!" Said the doctor, "This one's expensive!".
Other game mechanics were explained as we tried to have fun with the amazingly below average kart racer, Dr. Shitbomb explained each aspect thusly:
"Turning and banking is done through the specialized 'Retardo pad' or R-Pad which is built to look and feel just like buttons, go ahead, TRY to perform a diagonal move!"
![[Image: iriver1-747372.jpg]](http://pspupdates.qj.net/uploaded_images/iriver1-747372.jpg)
"In this shot, notice the girl who's hands we used to show off the size of the giant expensive screen, which allows you to see many more mp3 titles at once, instead of pesky scrolling."
"This is my favorite part, everything you play on the iRiver is in 16:9 widescreen, all we had to do is stretch the image to fit! It takes a little getting used to, but this method of widescreen presentations is not only confusing, but also pointless."
"Uh oh! watch out Kumquat Head! You're in 4th! Just like our expectations of our market share with this handheld!"
"The Onion Face Sisters show off Kartoon kart's massively complicated AI schemes; if they drive off the track they try to get back on."
"This shot showcases the multiplayer aspect of the game using iRiver's 'Hand the system to the next player' technology."
![[Image: iriver2-794004.jpg]](http://pspupdates.qj.net/uploaded_images/iriver2-794004.jpg)
Kartoon Kart is slated for a next summer/never release and will probably look really nice on display behind glass next to a pamplet of the store chain's 'Major Purchase Plan' options.
We play test the iRiver's killer app
by Anoop Gantayat
January 3, 2006 - iRiver G10, an adventurous little handheld from Reigncom is set to offer an overly expensive product line that is ready to gain little to no interest among anyone.
We sat down with senior VP in marketing and sales for Reigncom, Dr. Shitbomb, who gave us a tour of the iRiver's launch title ,Kartoon Kart Racing.
"It's like licking your grandmother" Said Dr. Shitbomb, "It (the system) is conducive to gaming, and by conducive, I refer directly to abortion." Dr. Shitbomb knows what he's talking about as he's had many years experience with the ideal of abortions. He explains; "Every time I get a girl pregnant she screams get it it out, get it out. God, all the crying."
Kartoon Kart Racing opens up with a screen apologizing to people who bought the handheld devise and showcases a nifty start-up screen which bears the mark of the beast. Shitbomb made refference to this as "How the 7 headed beast will find its followers.". Once the main menu kicked on, we were ready to give our souls up for grabs.
First off, the characters all range in size and ability much like Mario Kart, having a balance of top speed and acceleration. "We didn't want to do any actual work" said Shitbomb, "It's like every Kart game you ever played, except, again." He then went on how certain elements of gameplay are used to highten the sense of making the purchase of the iRiver G10 feel validated when in reality you just bought another MP3 player. "But not just any mp3 player!" Said the doctor, "This one's expensive!".
Other game mechanics were explained as we tried to have fun with the amazingly below average kart racer, Dr. Shitbomb explained each aspect thusly:
"Turning and banking is done through the specialized 'Retardo pad' or R-Pad which is built to look and feel just like buttons, go ahead, TRY to perform a diagonal move!"
"In this shot, notice the girl who's hands we used to show off the size of the giant expensive screen, which allows you to see many more mp3 titles at once, instead of pesky scrolling."
"This is my favorite part, everything you play on the iRiver is in 16:9 widescreen, all we had to do is stretch the image to fit! It takes a little getting used to, but this method of widescreen presentations is not only confusing, but also pointless."
"Uh oh! watch out Kumquat Head! You're in 4th! Just like our expectations of our market share with this handheld!"
"The Onion Face Sisters show off Kartoon kart's massively complicated AI schemes; if they drive off the track they try to get back on."
"This shot showcases the multiplayer aspect of the game using iRiver's 'Hand the system to the next player' technology."
Kartoon Kart is slated for a next summer/never release and will probably look really nice on display behind glass next to a pamplet of the store chain's 'Major Purchase Plan' options.