14th December 2004, 2:23 AM
Ryan, King is more descriptive and less technical, more emotional. You can mis the two, I guess. Lemme try that. I guess i'll call this story... uh... I dunno, just make up a title.
Okay, so... i'll just start. The story is about a small time PI in northern california who's got a case to investigate a guy that's probably cheating on his wife. The wife, Janine, already filed Nick for divorce but it's not concrete yet. If Nick is cheating while still in the legal bonds he'll get screwed in court and she'll make out like a bandit. The thing is though the town he lives in is becoming known for its kidnapping that leave cold trails, and more and more families are leaving the area. He's been collecting info here and there on it but it's all scraps and it's just a hobby between jobs.
During a stakeout after following Nick to a house in the hills, the PI falls asleep. He's always had a problem with sleeping but the quiet, steady roar of the air conditioner and the occasionaly fast paced song on the radio puts him out like a light. When he wakes up he blindly checks his watch and puts the car in drive and notices that his jaw hurts. The car is off and it wont start. That's when he opens the car door to check the hood and then realizes he's in the middle of a desert, he's wearing someone elses wet clothes that are 2 sizes too big for him and some of the innards of the car are scattered around him and the car, many of them mostly covered in sand.
He hears his cellphone ring and he reaches in his pockets, only finding a folded up piece of paper that he throws in to the car. The cellphone rings again, giving the PI an idea of where it is, it's under the car. He also notices briefly that there's no tire marks on the desert floor; on his knees with his head tilted in to the sand he reahes for the cellphone next to his car battery and has another passing thought. He's in grade school and ignoring the teacher who's talking about how quickly sand dunes can move through the desert, being moved speck by speck from the wind. He was just about to formulate a question for himself in his awakening and still blurry mind that has he been here for hours, or has it been days? He wants to give it more thought, but he already accepted the call.
the PI answers the phone with a questioning grimmace while looking out on to the stark horizon and rubbing his swollen jaw, trying to find a road; anything, the bright sand hurting his still adjusting eyes. It's Janine, and she's crying, she says that Mike never came home. For people in the middle of a divorce this would be strange but Mike lives in the recent add-on to the house they bought together. The PI hears the familliar beep of another incoming call, the phone shows that it's an unknown number and the PI doesn't answer it. It's a huge house. A huge empty house, like you see in magazines. With the perfect furniture that no one uses. The PI visualizes the huge house while listening to Janine cry, wondering why they bought such a huge place to begin with. Call waiting again, the same number. Probably so they could start a family, or they just like spending money. Janine doesn't work; she likes spending Mike's money.
The PI finally interupts her in the middle of her tangent and asks her the date and time. Janine slowly answers that it's thursday and it's almost 2. This would help if the PI knew if it was wednesday yesterday. Before he asks, she makes the leap and tells him that it's the 27th. The PI isn't entirely sure, but at last check, the calander on the fridge said it was the 23rd and the fridge is usually right. Janine pauses but doesn't ask why he asked and goes back in to her sobbing, the PI takes a look inside his car; sand everywhere but the plush enterior is soaking wet. He gets the call again and tells Janine that he'll call her back and that he might need a ride.
The PI cups his jaw and massages it and accepts the call to hear a piercing fax machine. He checks the phone to see if it's the same number that's been trying to reach him and sure enough it is. The PI is still cloudy and wipes his eyes before checking the phone again to see if the fax machine sound has stopped. A thought glances past him that he usually doesn't take this long to wake up. He hangs up the phone and takes another look at the horizon. he stretches and fills his lungs with air, some of it smelling much more dry and warm, but the other smell... Then, in a moment of clarity the PI realizes he's been breathing gasoline fumes, all around the car, on the interior and on the clothes that are 2 sizes too big for him. He's perfectly awake, just high off of gas fumes. The cell phone was under the car, next to a car battery, to trigger an explosion, set off by the fax sound and he's probably wearing someone elses clothes because he's going to be the staged death of someone who wants to disappear.
The PI really didn't want a new, much more expensive cell phone but he felt out of touch, it was so old he didn't get bars, it was just 'yes, you have a signal' or 'no, you're screwed', one of the features he really liked on the new phone was the wake up call feature and the automatic updates; You could program the phone to get weather and sports scores while on a docking bay next to the computer. At a user defined time, the phone would automatically recieve and accept a call to recieve fax data to update the phone. It's a great feature but he never sat down to figure it out, the idea that whoever is trying to kill him understands the special features of his cell phone better than he does made him want to smirk.
The lightbulb moment sends him over the car's side mirror and he smiles at his reflection. His gums are bleeding and his teeth are white. The bleeding is pretty normal but this is a bit much and he hasn't had white teeth since he was seven years old. He nods to his reflection and gives a confirming yup. Someone has borrowed his teeth and gave him theirs. The clothes are heavy materials that would probably survive a car fire, but what's the importance? He's overwhelmed with questions and pushes them out before he's overcome.
He looks for Janine's number in the phone and goes over his explanation to Janine in his mind. The phone still ringing, he sees the folded up piece of paper he found in his pocket and threw on to the driver's seat, he begins to open it when Janine answers the phone. The PI asks her if she's going to be busy today, Janine replies with a long pondering 'hmm' before stating that she wont be too busy. The PI says I might need a place to stay. The note written on the piece of paper says "Good luck, but I bet I know where your apartment is, too."
So something like that would be a good techie/emotional mix of descriptions. It works for the character too since he doesn't really care about anything except his work.
I like all your stories guys, keep posting them.
Okay, so... i'll just start. The story is about a small time PI in northern california who's got a case to investigate a guy that's probably cheating on his wife. The wife, Janine, already filed Nick for divorce but it's not concrete yet. If Nick is cheating while still in the legal bonds he'll get screwed in court and she'll make out like a bandit. The thing is though the town he lives in is becoming known for its kidnapping that leave cold trails, and more and more families are leaving the area. He's been collecting info here and there on it but it's all scraps and it's just a hobby between jobs.
During a stakeout after following Nick to a house in the hills, the PI falls asleep. He's always had a problem with sleeping but the quiet, steady roar of the air conditioner and the occasionaly fast paced song on the radio puts him out like a light. When he wakes up he blindly checks his watch and puts the car in drive and notices that his jaw hurts. The car is off and it wont start. That's when he opens the car door to check the hood and then realizes he's in the middle of a desert, he's wearing someone elses wet clothes that are 2 sizes too big for him and some of the innards of the car are scattered around him and the car, many of them mostly covered in sand.
He hears his cellphone ring and he reaches in his pockets, only finding a folded up piece of paper that he throws in to the car. The cellphone rings again, giving the PI an idea of where it is, it's under the car. He also notices briefly that there's no tire marks on the desert floor; on his knees with his head tilted in to the sand he reahes for the cellphone next to his car battery and has another passing thought. He's in grade school and ignoring the teacher who's talking about how quickly sand dunes can move through the desert, being moved speck by speck from the wind. He was just about to formulate a question for himself in his awakening and still blurry mind that has he been here for hours, or has it been days? He wants to give it more thought, but he already accepted the call.
the PI answers the phone with a questioning grimmace while looking out on to the stark horizon and rubbing his swollen jaw, trying to find a road; anything, the bright sand hurting his still adjusting eyes. It's Janine, and she's crying, she says that Mike never came home. For people in the middle of a divorce this would be strange but Mike lives in the recent add-on to the house they bought together. The PI hears the familliar beep of another incoming call, the phone shows that it's an unknown number and the PI doesn't answer it. It's a huge house. A huge empty house, like you see in magazines. With the perfect furniture that no one uses. The PI visualizes the huge house while listening to Janine cry, wondering why they bought such a huge place to begin with. Call waiting again, the same number. Probably so they could start a family, or they just like spending money. Janine doesn't work; she likes spending Mike's money.
The PI finally interupts her in the middle of her tangent and asks her the date and time. Janine slowly answers that it's thursday and it's almost 2. This would help if the PI knew if it was wednesday yesterday. Before he asks, she makes the leap and tells him that it's the 27th. The PI isn't entirely sure, but at last check, the calander on the fridge said it was the 23rd and the fridge is usually right. Janine pauses but doesn't ask why he asked and goes back in to her sobbing, the PI takes a look inside his car; sand everywhere but the plush enterior is soaking wet. He gets the call again and tells Janine that he'll call her back and that he might need a ride.
The PI cups his jaw and massages it and accepts the call to hear a piercing fax machine. He checks the phone to see if it's the same number that's been trying to reach him and sure enough it is. The PI is still cloudy and wipes his eyes before checking the phone again to see if the fax machine sound has stopped. A thought glances past him that he usually doesn't take this long to wake up. He hangs up the phone and takes another look at the horizon. he stretches and fills his lungs with air, some of it smelling much more dry and warm, but the other smell... Then, in a moment of clarity the PI realizes he's been breathing gasoline fumes, all around the car, on the interior and on the clothes that are 2 sizes too big for him. He's perfectly awake, just high off of gas fumes. The cell phone was under the car, next to a car battery, to trigger an explosion, set off by the fax sound and he's probably wearing someone elses clothes because he's going to be the staged death of someone who wants to disappear.
The PI really didn't want a new, much more expensive cell phone but he felt out of touch, it was so old he didn't get bars, it was just 'yes, you have a signal' or 'no, you're screwed', one of the features he really liked on the new phone was the wake up call feature and the automatic updates; You could program the phone to get weather and sports scores while on a docking bay next to the computer. At a user defined time, the phone would automatically recieve and accept a call to recieve fax data to update the phone. It's a great feature but he never sat down to figure it out, the idea that whoever is trying to kill him understands the special features of his cell phone better than he does made him want to smirk.
The lightbulb moment sends him over the car's side mirror and he smiles at his reflection. His gums are bleeding and his teeth are white. The bleeding is pretty normal but this is a bit much and he hasn't had white teeth since he was seven years old. He nods to his reflection and gives a confirming yup. Someone has borrowed his teeth and gave him theirs. The clothes are heavy materials that would probably survive a car fire, but what's the importance? He's overwhelmed with questions and pushes them out before he's overcome.
He looks for Janine's number in the phone and goes over his explanation to Janine in his mind. The phone still ringing, he sees the folded up piece of paper he found in his pocket and threw on to the driver's seat, he begins to open it when Janine answers the phone. The PI asks her if she's going to be busy today, Janine replies with a long pondering 'hmm' before stating that she wont be too busy. The PI says I might need a place to stay. The note written on the piece of paper says "Good luck, but I bet I know where your apartment is, too."
So something like that would be a good techie/emotional mix of descriptions. It works for the character too since he doesn't really care about anything except his work.
I like all your stories guys, keep posting them.