The Official Television/Movie Quotes Thread

[Sacred Jellybean]

"Modern medical ethics dictate that I tell the prospective mother the bad news. Unfortunately, it's nap time." *curls up on the floor and begins snoring*
~Terry Duke Tetzloff, from Duckman

Duckman (to Cornfed): "Look, maybe I made a mistake or two, but I'm still a citizen, and the IRS is still an agency of my government! I'm sure they'll reason with me in a fair and compassionate manner."
IRS agent: *throws customer out of office* "I don't give a damn what your excuse is! 'Ohh, my wife needed an emergency operation in Taiwan for the kidney, but on the way back, my plane crashed in the ocean, and I had to swim with the bag of my tax documents in my teeth for the whole 78 miles!' "
Customer: "But... it's true!" *holds up newspaper report confirming his story*
IRS agent: "So what if it's true?! You smudged the receit!" *whacks customer with newspaper*
Customer: *runs away crying*
IRS agent: "Pssh... in-laws."
~Unknown