3rd December 2007, 9:32 AM
hahaha DJ you're awesome!
Well, it's like this. I've been through some major hell and I wont let that make me bitter or interfere with me and how I look at anyone. I'll probably never live in an apartment or house unless its firmly in my name again just out of the fear of losing it all again if someone decides to leave. As far as the trip and my goals, I learned how to go for the no. It took me 49 applications to get me a jawb. Everyone, even the cow shit shovelers (for reel) would not hire me.
But Walmart did! :D
It turned out, I was so good at hiding all those years, I barely existed. They couldn't find records of me anywhere. So for 3 months I would start at one end of the street and hit every store or business and walk in expecting a no, but doing my best to get the job. When I got Walmart, suddenly everyone with a 6.50 an hour job was calling me. Especially the mexican-oriented jobs. I remember in one day, I painted houses, cleaned a nature park's lake and surrounding bodies of water, dug a trench for laying piping, mopped a hospital's hallways (which apparently are also the bathrooms) and stocked the shelves at Walmart. If you've ever seen Dirty Jobs I was living it.
Minka continued to show her hate and act horrible everytime I talked with her. I slowly realized that there's no point in trying any longer. But I cant get her out of my head, I cant shut the heart off, yunno? I dont know how to just place her in my mind as someone to dislike. I dont know how to get over her. So the trip, that's what it's really all about. I made a promise to her that I will be there and I also need to have a defining moment of sorts, where I can finally say 'Yup, i'm done' so I can move on.
This would all be so much easier if it were just a girlfriend and not someone I lived with for 4 years, known for 8 years, was married to, had plans of a future with, kids, the whole 3 yard sticks. I mean I did the math and it was one third of my life with her. If she's going to tell herself to hate me forever, that means I have to find a way to get over her. She did find a way to get over me, unfortunately she took the bitter resentment and anger route... that usually results in becoming overweight and full of hate but who knows, maybe it helps her.
It's funny, you're the second person to call it obsessive. I'd challenge anyone here to have someone you love ripped away from you and then completely ignore you, offering you no chance to talk about anything. Of course, Minka meant the world to me and I wonder how many relationships actually have anything to do with love, maybe they cant understand until they know that feeling. Would you travel in to hell to save your girl? Would you fight an entire army just for the chance to see her? Would you think it obsessive? Would you just walk away? I fear that most would walk, especially at my age. The bachlores and bathlorettes who still think in terms of love being a semi-formal dinner and atleast 10 minutes of oral before sex.
The laundry detergent... that's my mom. She turns 'husband didn't make coffee' in to 'husband doesn't love me' and goes ballistic. Minka is like that too. I think i'm too logical to be affected like that. I'd definitely want to talk it out, get my feelings out on the whole thing. Have yunno, a conversation and connection. But I have no one to blame but myself.
Thank you DJ. In one post you said more than most people could in months of conversations.
Well, it's like this. I've been through some major hell and I wont let that make me bitter or interfere with me and how I look at anyone. I'll probably never live in an apartment or house unless its firmly in my name again just out of the fear of losing it all again if someone decides to leave. As far as the trip and my goals, I learned how to go for the no. It took me 49 applications to get me a jawb. Everyone, even the cow shit shovelers (for reel) would not hire me.
But Walmart did! :D
It turned out, I was so good at hiding all those years, I barely existed. They couldn't find records of me anywhere. So for 3 months I would start at one end of the street and hit every store or business and walk in expecting a no, but doing my best to get the job. When I got Walmart, suddenly everyone with a 6.50 an hour job was calling me. Especially the mexican-oriented jobs. I remember in one day, I painted houses, cleaned a nature park's lake and surrounding bodies of water, dug a trench for laying piping, mopped a hospital's hallways (which apparently are also the bathrooms) and stocked the shelves at Walmart. If you've ever seen Dirty Jobs I was living it.
Minka continued to show her hate and act horrible everytime I talked with her. I slowly realized that there's no point in trying any longer. But I cant get her out of my head, I cant shut the heart off, yunno? I dont know how to just place her in my mind as someone to dislike. I dont know how to get over her. So the trip, that's what it's really all about. I made a promise to her that I will be there and I also need to have a defining moment of sorts, where I can finally say 'Yup, i'm done' so I can move on.
This would all be so much easier if it were just a girlfriend and not someone I lived with for 4 years, known for 8 years, was married to, had plans of a future with, kids, the whole 3 yard sticks. I mean I did the math and it was one third of my life with her. If she's going to tell herself to hate me forever, that means I have to find a way to get over her. She did find a way to get over me, unfortunately she took the bitter resentment and anger route... that usually results in becoming overweight and full of hate but who knows, maybe it helps her.
It's funny, you're the second person to call it obsessive. I'd challenge anyone here to have someone you love ripped away from you and then completely ignore you, offering you no chance to talk about anything. Of course, Minka meant the world to me and I wonder how many relationships actually have anything to do with love, maybe they cant understand until they know that feeling. Would you travel in to hell to save your girl? Would you fight an entire army just for the chance to see her? Would you think it obsessive? Would you just walk away? I fear that most would walk, especially at my age. The bachlores and bathlorettes who still think in terms of love being a semi-formal dinner and atleast 10 minutes of oral before sex.
The laundry detergent... that's my mom. She turns 'husband didn't make coffee' in to 'husband doesn't love me' and goes ballistic. Minka is like that too. I think i'm too logical to be affected like that. I'd definitely want to talk it out, get my feelings out on the whole thing. Have yunno, a conversation and connection. But I have no one to blame but myself.
Thank you DJ. In one post you said more than most people could in months of conversations.