28th June 2006, 12:30 PM
Fine!
Just teach the kiddies that the universe is balanced: for every good, there is an equal corresponding evil. Santa Claus exists, but so does the Anti-Claus, the mighty St Walrus himself. Every Walrustide (Dec 25th), St Walrus opens an interdimensional portal from his walrusy hell and breaks into your home just after Santa leaves. St Walrus then removes all the really good presents Santa brought, and leaves behind only the crap other people gave you. Did you really think that toy pony set was from Santa? No, that has Mommy's unimaginative handwriting all over it. Santa brought you rocket boots. Too bad they're being digested in St Walrus's stomach right now. Those would have rocked. So yes, Santa is real, and he does bring you presents. Too bad you'll never get them, not a single one, because St Walrus is just a few minutes behind him.
And if you love life, don't try to stay up to see Santa and rescue your presents from St Walrus. Santa is good-natured about being spied upon. St Walrus is not. Santa will say "ho, ho, ho" and giggle like a sack of gelatin dessert, or something. St Walrus will take you back to his walrusy dimension with him, and you don't want that. Not even for rocket boots.
To add more magic to the myth, if you have small children, waft some dead fish around the living room right before they come downstairs on Xmas Day. Slash the sofa cushions, as if with mighty tusks, and litter some crushed seashells around beneath the tree. "Say, Billy, that's a nice basketball your grandpa gave you. I bet Santa brought you your own NBA team, but they're walrus chow now."
Just teach the kiddies that the universe is balanced: for every good, there is an equal corresponding evil. Santa Claus exists, but so does the Anti-Claus, the mighty St Walrus himself. Every Walrustide (Dec 25th), St Walrus opens an interdimensional portal from his walrusy hell and breaks into your home just after Santa leaves. St Walrus then removes all the really good presents Santa brought, and leaves behind only the crap other people gave you. Did you really think that toy pony set was from Santa? No, that has Mommy's unimaginative handwriting all over it. Santa brought you rocket boots. Too bad they're being digested in St Walrus's stomach right now. Those would have rocked. So yes, Santa is real, and he does bring you presents. Too bad you'll never get them, not a single one, because St Walrus is just a few minutes behind him.
And if you love life, don't try to stay up to see Santa and rescue your presents from St Walrus. Santa is good-natured about being spied upon. St Walrus is not. Santa will say "ho, ho, ho" and giggle like a sack of gelatin dessert, or something. St Walrus will take you back to his walrusy dimension with him, and you don't want that. Not even for rocket boots.
To add more magic to the myth, if you have small children, waft some dead fish around the living room right before they come downstairs on Xmas Day. Slash the sofa cushions, as if with mighty tusks, and litter some crushed seashells around beneath the tree. "Say, Billy, that's a nice basketball your grandpa gave you. I bet Santa brought you your own NBA team, but they're walrus chow now."
"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." ~ Charles Babbage (1791-1871)