12th September 2026, 11:01 AM
TO ALL DENIZENS OF TENDO CITY!
TAKE NOTE!
BY ORDER OF HIS EXCELLENY, H.R.M. DARUNIA S. GORON, ROI DES GORONS, LORD OF IBERIA, SCOURGE OF MOLDAVIA, PURGE OF THE PYRENEES, MASTER OF CHIC-FIL-A, etc., etc., ALL RESIDENTS OF THESE PREMISES ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO TAKE NOTE, THAT HENCEFORTH, THIS TERRITORY BELONGS TO THE GORON EMPIRE, AND HAS BEEN DULY ANNEXED.
AND FURTHERMORE,
it was a gloomy September afternoon at Tendo City. Weltall, Etoven, DarkJaguar, A Black Falcon et Geno were all sitting around the TendoCity bar. Silently, they sat at the bar, as they had done nigh daily going back years now... once in a while, one of them let out a belch... a far... or a witty comment about their glorious bygone days, of decades ago -- when Tendo City dazzled with lights, and sleek sophistication. Yes, it had once been something to behold! Weltall especially remembered those days... remembered Cypherstation and Fortress 64, and the days of glorious warfare. But that was so long ago now. Wearily, he sighed, and took another sip from his frosty mug of Diet Coke.
A knock came at the door. A loud, sturdy knock. All of the bearded, scraggly faces arose at once, and they exchanged glances. "Who can it be now?" asked Geno. The whole population of Tendizens was gathered... and they were located too far off the interstate to get many tourists.
The knock repeated -- louder, forceful -- not so much asking as demanding entry.
"Gadzooks!" exclaimed DarkJaguar, "methinks there be someone outside!"
"Verily, I shall go thither, for that they may enter!" added Geno.
Geno shuffled slowly across the dusty floor... so many tables, their chairs up... soft 80s music played overhead... and he reached the door in his fuzzy slippers, and put his hand to the knob.
::KNOCK-KNOCK!:: thundered the door, so much so that the hinges themselves rattled!
Geno unlocked the door, and turned the knob.
"Who goest there?" he timidly inquired --
--just as the door exploded open, in a torrent of splinters -- all at the bar ducked and covered their heads, as Darunia stepped in, wearing the fatigues of a WWII general, a cigar in his broad Goron mouth! Flanking him on both sides, dozens of elite Goron troops stormed through the door, hopping over the mess, and Geno, as they ran in full military regalia, each one armed with a submachine gun. The sound of their boots tapping across the floor as they lined the walls, and sealed off the exits, drowned out the tunes of Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere."
And then -- there was silence... a deep silence... apart from Fleetwood Mac softly humming in the background... and nobody moved.
Slowly, Weltall lifted his hands from his eyes. Looking up, he could scarcely believe his eyes! There stood, towering in his marshall glory, Darunia S. Goron, his old foe -- and adversary -- and also, secretly, hero! One by one, the other denizens of Tendo City followed suit, coming out of hiding like the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz to meet Dorothy... their jaws dropped, and they lay there aghast, astounded!
"It's YOU--!!!" exclaimed A Black Falcon, pointing in amazement at the rugged, muscular, masculine force that bulkily stood over him.
Darunia laughed!
"Yes... old friends, rejoice for I have returned! Let the occupation begin!"
Weltall got to one knee, and then rose, unsurely. "O Lord, Darunia, conqueror of the Zora! Defeater of the Gerudos! Woe of the Dutch! Humbly, is it really thee?"
"I see no further need to speak in such an archaic dialect," spake Darunia.
"Sorry. What are you doing here?"
Darunia walked across the dusty bar, with a riding crop at his side. He paced once or twice, and then said, "I was bored... conquering all of Hyrule, and then the Azores, is such dull work. What does one do, after he has conquered the world? An anyway---- I wanted to say hi, and see if y'all were still kickin' or not!"
And then Geno lunged for a switchblade, and leapt up to his feet. Foaming at the mouth, he lunched at the great Goronic lord! But ere it got more than a few feet, six Goron troops leapt forward to block him -- forming an impressive and spectacular phalanx of might and brawn, each one leveling a submachine gun directly at Geno... who froze, and reluctantly retreated.
And then...
TAKE NOTE!
BY ORDER OF HIS EXCELLENY, H.R.M. DARUNIA S. GORON, ROI DES GORONS, LORD OF IBERIA, SCOURGE OF MOLDAVIA, PURGE OF THE PYRENEES, MASTER OF CHIC-FIL-A, etc., etc., ALL RESIDENTS OF THESE PREMISES ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO TAKE NOTE, THAT HENCEFORTH, THIS TERRITORY BELONGS TO THE GORON EMPIRE, AND HAS BEEN DULY ANNEXED.
AND FURTHERMORE,
it was a gloomy September afternoon at Tendo City. Weltall, Etoven, DarkJaguar, A Black Falcon et Geno were all sitting around the TendoCity bar. Silently, they sat at the bar, as they had done nigh daily going back years now... once in a while, one of them let out a belch... a far... or a witty comment about their glorious bygone days, of decades ago -- when Tendo City dazzled with lights, and sleek sophistication. Yes, it had once been something to behold! Weltall especially remembered those days... remembered Cypherstation and Fortress 64, and the days of glorious warfare. But that was so long ago now. Wearily, he sighed, and took another sip from his frosty mug of Diet Coke.
A knock came at the door. A loud, sturdy knock. All of the bearded, scraggly faces arose at once, and they exchanged glances. "Who can it be now?" asked Geno. The whole population of Tendizens was gathered... and they were located too far off the interstate to get many tourists.
The knock repeated -- louder, forceful -- not so much asking as demanding entry.
"Gadzooks!" exclaimed DarkJaguar, "methinks there be someone outside!"
"Verily, I shall go thither, for that they may enter!" added Geno.
Geno shuffled slowly across the dusty floor... so many tables, their chairs up... soft 80s music played overhead... and he reached the door in his fuzzy slippers, and put his hand to the knob.
::KNOCK-KNOCK!:: thundered the door, so much so that the hinges themselves rattled!
Geno unlocked the door, and turned the knob.
"Who goest there?" he timidly inquired --
--just as the door exploded open, in a torrent of splinters -- all at the bar ducked and covered their heads, as Darunia stepped in, wearing the fatigues of a WWII general, a cigar in his broad Goron mouth! Flanking him on both sides, dozens of elite Goron troops stormed through the door, hopping over the mess, and Geno, as they ran in full military regalia, each one armed with a submachine gun. The sound of their boots tapping across the floor as they lined the walls, and sealed off the exits, drowned out the tunes of Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere."
And then -- there was silence... a deep silence... apart from Fleetwood Mac softly humming in the background... and nobody moved.
Slowly, Weltall lifted his hands from his eyes. Looking up, he could scarcely believe his eyes! There stood, towering in his marshall glory, Darunia S. Goron, his old foe -- and adversary -- and also, secretly, hero! One by one, the other denizens of Tendo City followed suit, coming out of hiding like the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz to meet Dorothy... their jaws dropped, and they lay there aghast, astounded!
"It's YOU--!!!" exclaimed A Black Falcon, pointing in amazement at the rugged, muscular, masculine force that bulkily stood over him.
Darunia laughed!
"Yes... old friends, rejoice for I have returned! Let the occupation begin!"
Weltall got to one knee, and then rose, unsurely. "O Lord, Darunia, conqueror of the Zora! Defeater of the Gerudos! Woe of the Dutch! Humbly, is it really thee?"
"I see no further need to speak in such an archaic dialect," spake Darunia.
"Sorry. What are you doing here?"
Darunia walked across the dusty bar, with a riding crop at his side. He paced once or twice, and then said, "I was bored... conquering all of Hyrule, and then the Azores, is such dull work. What does one do, after he has conquered the world? An anyway---- I wanted to say hi, and see if y'all were still kickin' or not!"
And then Geno lunged for a switchblade, and leapt up to his feet. Foaming at the mouth, he lunched at the great Goronic lord! But ere it got more than a few feet, six Goron troops leapt forward to block him -- forming an impressive and spectacular phalanx of might and brawn, each one leveling a submachine gun directly at Geno... who froze, and reluctantly retreated.
And then...
H.R.M. DARVNIVS MAXIMVS EX TENEBRIS EXIT REX DEVSQVE GORONORVMQVE TENDORVM ROMANORVM ET GRÆCORVM OMNIS SEMPER EST
"My blood hurts." -What's-Her-Face, Teen Girl Squad