27th January 2024, 8:57 AM
(This post was last modified: 27th January 2024, 9:00 AM by Sacred Jellybean.)
that's aged like rotten cheese.
GENTLEMEN, allow me a sliver of your time to go on a Rolfean rant about this turd.
I put this game on my list a few weeks ago when I remembered that it existed and is probably available on the newer consoles. Never played it, have seen it praised as having a good soundtrack, seemed to be a generally-agreed-upon classic, yadda yadda.
Alright, I fire it up, not bad, pretty solid Castlevania. First craw-stucking was when I died and the game said GAME OVER LOL, back ye to the title screen Beanjo! Eh, okay? I guess this is what they were doing back in the day. Pretty annoying to have to wait for this game to slowly and deliberately load, as though it were some meaningful ritual and not a waste of my time and child-like impatience.
But it got even more annoying when I realized that my items, exp points, and map progress were all wiped. Well, that's annoying! Save points aren't exactly plentiful, so even if you stop at each one, there's a pretty good chance that something like 15 minutes of progress will be thrown down the toilet*.
But what REALLY bites my nuts is that after the third time or so this happened and left me incensed, I realized that a big part of the problem is that there's no fucking way to get health between save points. I got a turkey... once...? in the two and a half hours that I've played. 20% of which was from wasted progress on an outdated saving system, from cavemen that didn't have the robust imagination that with the powerful technology of PS1 and save cards, it's trivial to move beyond NES limitations and record a bit more information beyond a snapshot in time. We're not confined to passwords anymore here, people!
Not only do turkeys and hot dogs or whatever Alucard eats not drop, you can't even fucking buy them. ??? what ??? You could even do that in Castlevania 64, and that game was hot garbage gobbled down by gremlins and shat into Mordor. But respect to the librarian shyster, 'cause it was pretty funny to watch him say "why gosh Alucard I could NEVER betray the master!" and quietly rub together his thumb and forefinger under the table to tell Alucard to cough up his gold that, for yet-unspecified reasons, is hidden inside candles.
Oh, and by the way, what the bloody flying fuck does Quick Save do? I thought "ooh, here we go, maybe this will smooth things out," but nah it still erases your progress. Not sure how much exactly but enough to make it pointless. I got in a few good rooms but the progress still disappeared, this time immediately, instead of having the courtesy to wait for me to die. BACK YE TO THE TITLE SCREEN. **
Anyway, this game sucks shit but I'll probably suffer it a bit longer because it's maybe just fun enough play.
BUT LET IT BE KNOWN BY THE AUTHORITY GRANTED TO ME BY ME AS A WHINY LITTLE CRUMB-BUM THAT I AM NOT IMPRESSED
* that's how you guys poop right? No flushy, just hurl the feces into the bowl in the hopes that it hits its target and makes its way down the pipes
** Okay after a bit of googling (done through duckduckgo because google is hot steamed sausage links out my ass) it seems that you can use this in the marble rooms as a make shift save spot, otherwise it's kinda pointless. And it's still irritating to disrupt gameplay and, for reasons beyond my limited comprehension of cavemen culture, go back to the title screen any time you have to do this. Verdict is, this game's save system still sucks my smegma.
GENTLEMEN, allow me a sliver of your time to go on a Rolfean rant about this turd.
I put this game on my list a few weeks ago when I remembered that it existed and is probably available on the newer consoles. Never played it, have seen it praised as having a good soundtrack, seemed to be a generally-agreed-upon classic, yadda yadda.
Alright, I fire it up, not bad, pretty solid Castlevania. First craw-stucking was when I died and the game said GAME OVER LOL, back ye to the title screen Beanjo! Eh, okay? I guess this is what they were doing back in the day. Pretty annoying to have to wait for this game to slowly and deliberately load, as though it were some meaningful ritual and not a waste of my time and child-like impatience.
But it got even more annoying when I realized that my items, exp points, and map progress were all wiped. Well, that's annoying! Save points aren't exactly plentiful, so even if you stop at each one, there's a pretty good chance that something like 15 minutes of progress will be thrown down the toilet*.
But what REALLY bites my nuts is that after the third time or so this happened and left me incensed, I realized that a big part of the problem is that there's no fucking way to get health between save points. I got a turkey... once...? in the two and a half hours that I've played. 20% of which was from wasted progress on an outdated saving system, from cavemen that didn't have the robust imagination that with the powerful technology of PS1 and save cards, it's trivial to move beyond NES limitations and record a bit more information beyond a snapshot in time. We're not confined to passwords anymore here, people!
Not only do turkeys and hot dogs or whatever Alucard eats not drop, you can't even fucking buy them. ??? what ??? You could even do that in Castlevania 64, and that game was hot garbage gobbled down by gremlins and shat into Mordor. But respect to the librarian shyster, 'cause it was pretty funny to watch him say "why gosh Alucard I could NEVER betray the master!" and quietly rub together his thumb and forefinger under the table to tell Alucard to cough up his gold that, for yet-unspecified reasons, is hidden inside candles.
Oh, and by the way, what the bloody flying fuck does Quick Save do? I thought "ooh, here we go, maybe this will smooth things out," but nah it still erases your progress. Not sure how much exactly but enough to make it pointless. I got in a few good rooms but the progress still disappeared, this time immediately, instead of having the courtesy to wait for me to die. BACK YE TO THE TITLE SCREEN. **
Anyway, this game sucks shit but I'll probably suffer it a bit longer because it's maybe just fun enough play.
BUT LET IT BE KNOWN BY THE AUTHORITY GRANTED TO ME BY ME AS A WHINY LITTLE CRUMB-BUM THAT I AM NOT IMPRESSED
* that's how you guys poop right? No flushy, just hurl the feces into the bowl in the hopes that it hits its target and makes its way down the pipes
** Okay after a bit of googling (done through duckduckgo because google is hot steamed sausage links out my ass) it seems that you can use this in the marble rooms as a make shift save spot, otherwise it's kinda pointless. And it's still irritating to disrupt gameplay and, for reasons beyond my limited comprehension of cavemen culture, go back to the title screen any time you have to do this. Verdict is, this game's save system still sucks my smegma.