An Impotent Goron Declaration

[Darunia]

*Darunia convenes all of the peoples of the world, united under the iron first of Goron domination. At the ensuing congress, he reads aloud a decree*


BE IT HEREBY AND HENCEFORTH KNOWN BY ALL ACROSS THE WORLD THAT, by the ominous and majestic decree of his MOST EXCELLENT, GRACIOUS AND Humble Majesty, LORD DARUNIA THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT, that NATALIE PORTMAN TINA FEY IS and forevermore shall be RECOGNIZED as the HOTTEST and GREATEST of all women.

Deal with it.

[Darunia]

! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !



*DECLARES FORMAL STATE OF WAR ON WELTALL*



Disagree if you must, but to SUBSTITUTE THE BEAUTIFUL, ANGELLIC NATALIE with that porcine, socialist, clammy slut Tina Fey!



WAR! WAR! WAR!

[Sacred Jellybean]

You have a funny way of spelling "Evan Rachel Wood", but otherwise I agree.

[Darunia]

Natalie Portman is the embodiment of perfection in a human form. You can profit by this, or be destroyed. It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my power. Weltall has already charted a course for doom, but it's not too late for you... recant your blasphemy, and you will be spared.


*Mobilizes 1st, 2nd, 6th and 12th Goron armies*

*Blockades Weltall Harbor*

[Unreadphilosophy]

*Goes Solid Snake on Darunia and silently takes out of all the troops blockading Welltall's harbor*

[Weltall]

Darunia's conventional war machine may be mighty against civilized foes, I admit.

However, you know what's even more effective than suicide bombers against conventional military forces?

Robot suicide bombers.

[Dark Jaguar]

<img src="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cemetery.png">

[Fittisize]

What's going on Tendo City? It appears I'm now a Moderator of his here forum. So what does that mean?

[EdenMaster]

Well at least he's not spouting about Avril Lavigne anymore.

Also, Weltall, high five. Tina Fey = very yes.

[alien space marine]

[Darunia]

So, then... Weltall, EM and Sacred.

*Three hundred thousand Goron troops, in immaculate formation, march. At the front, standard-bearers bear standards... flowing banners portraying the nubile Natalie in a variety of poses. Before these, rose-petal-bearers sprinkle roses before the feet of the blessed Goron Crusade--for this is a holy mission--to smite the enemies of Natalie Portman.*

Darunia, atop his steed, surveys the battle.

DARUNIA: Insignificant fools. Asinine morons all! To think--merely to THINK that the hagged, vile sorceress Tina Fey, with her disfiguring scar, crooked smile, could even COMPARE to the divinely sweet, graceful, beautiful, enchanting Natalie Portman...! It's too much to bear! It fills me with RAGE!

GORON AIDE-DE-CAMP: Yes, m'lord. Our advanced units are in position now.

*Opposite the Goron army, some 250 Weltallian concripts... mostly fat, middle aged Union thugs, street-sweepers, welfare recipients, and video game nerds, all out of shape and unkempt... all vaguely resembling Michael Moore, and clad in the armor of sweat pants and mustard-stained T-shirts... shuffle into position. At their front, Weltall rides into battle atop a Segway, proudly toting a huge banner of Tina Fey's crass vagina as their emblem. Towed behind him, in a Radio Flyer, eating from a box of Animal Crackers, sits EM.*

WELTALL (addressing his portly companions): Today is the day! The day when we, the Fiercely Associated Gang for the Greatly Onerous Tina Fey (FAGGOTY) will show the world that old, 60-something skanky New York socialite elitist actresses are the FUTURE OF THE WORLD!

*He stops for a half-hearted mixture of cheers, burping and wheezing to subside.*

WELTALL: To think that that beautiful, young, seductress Natalie is in any way, shape or form the EQUAL of our tired old Hag Queen! We'll show them! This very day! WARRIORS OF THE HAG QUEEN---CHARGE!!

*The FAGGOTY warriors loosely start tumbling in the direction of the proud Goron force.*

*Darunia, dignified atop his white steed, surveys the opposing force through his looking glass with an air of calm.*

DARUNIA: Send the signal. The center advances. Tell Marshall Scrag to put pressure on their right flank with his cavalry. I want IV and VII Corps to pin their center into position. The X and III Corps will probe their left, supported by elements of the Goron Highlanders. Stand by for artillery barrage. Have the reserves and the Old Guard deployed.

[Great Rumbler]

*Great Rumbler joins the Weltall-EM-SJ Axis*

So be it.

[Great Rumbler]

lolololololololol

[Weltall]

Weltall summons Time Ninja!

It's super-effective!

[Darunia]

*A Goron dispatch rushes to Lord General Darunia with urgent news*

DISPATCH: Lord! Lord! You must read this!

*Darunia hands off his looking glass to a waiting adjutant and takes the dispatch. His face contorts in hitherto unseen expressions of disapproval.*

DARUNIA: This cannot be! This is too grave an insult! It must be a mistake!

DISPATCH (hysterical): It's not! It's not! Just scroll up! He did it! He imbedded images of her right into thine own royal posts, excellency! I've seen it with my very eyes this day!

*Darunia crumples the dispatch and tosses it aside. His face belays a fury never before known.*

GORON MARSHALL: The scum! The villainy!

DARUNIA (unsheaths his sword, takes his steed by the reigns): Order a general advance. All units. Rolling barrage. I will lead the cavalry. And I will not leave this field without the head of Weltall on a platter! HYAH!

*Trumpets, bugles and war drums blare as, with a mighty clatter, the gods themselves tremble in fear: the Grand Goron Army charges!*

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Darunia]

<img src="http://topnews.in/light/files/NataliePortman.jpg">.


<img src="http://moviechopshop.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/natalie_portman_lgl.jpg">


<img src="http://www.famous-people-search.com/natalie_portman/natalie_portman_wallpapers/natalie_portman_wallpaper_800x600_002.jpg">

<img src="http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/events/JTM-043217.jpg">

<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c4/NataliePortman09TIFF.jpg">

FAIR AND UNBIASED NATALIE PORTMAN v. TINA FEY COMPARISON:




SNL exp: NATALIE, TINA
Good SNL exp: NATALIE
Lesbian scene w/ Mila Kunis: NATALIE
Hottest woman ever: NATALIE
Super annoying: TINA
Adorable and sweet: NATALIE
Harvard graduate: NATALIE
Atheist: NATALIE
Dirty skank: TINA
Multilingual: NATALIE
Has a vagina: NATALIE, TINA
Has a clean " : NATALIE
Sexy voice: NATALIE
Feminazi: TINA
Most unabashed ass-scratcher: NATALIE

[etoven]

! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !



WAR! WAR! WAR!

Ha ha.... The 1930's typerighter just completely reunions the hotness....

It's like if Brittney Spears were butt naked in a play boy, but instead of showing me her titties, shes helping a old guy put on depends.

[Weltall]

Wow, I have broken the Goron's mind. It was surprisingly brittle.

[Unreadphilosophy]

^Anything that eats rocks for nutrients is bound to be brainless.;)

[lazyfatbum]

It's because he has a fatwa.

[lazyfatbum]

Natalie Portman surges my gag reflex. She wont show off her talent and the best she ever did was when she was like 10 years old. Physically she's so plain if you held a piece of cardboard next to her it would meld with her body like the liquid state from pieces of mimic-polyalloy of the T-1000.

[Weltall]

^Note to Toven: This is how you metaphor effectively. Learn well.

[Darunia]

*The full fury of the Goron Army rushes as one, and entirely steamrolls the Weltallian force. Darunia comes across a small band of hold-outs... Weltall, Unread, Lazy are sitting cross-legged in a circle, having a conversation.*

WELTALL: Wow, I have broken the Goron's mind. It was surprisingly brittle.

UNREAD: Anything that eats rocks for nutrients is bound to be brainless.

LAZY: It's because he has a fatwa.

*Darunia, seemingly unnoticed, dismounts his steed, as his army rounds up and tramples the rest of the resistance. He walks up to the circle, unsheaths his cavalry saber.*


LAZY: Natalie Portman surges my---

*With one felt swoop, Darunia decapitates the lot.*

*DAYS LATER AT THE CONGRESS OF TENDOCITY, DARUNIA ANNEXES ALL TENDITE TERRITORY; ENSLAVES ALL HITHERTO FREE PEOPLES; IS AWARDED REPARATIONS IN EXCESS OF 100% of Tendo City's GDP, with 150% interest; the name, likeness and image of Tina Fey are forever more banned from the universe (under pain of death), and all currency, stamps, clothing, signs, and products are henceforth to carry the mandatory image of Natalie Portman.*

*End 66th Goron-Tendo War.*

There, I feel better now.

[Weltall]

How do you annex territory already controlled by The Goron Imperial Ministry of Foreign Internal Affairs?

[Dark Jaguar]

<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kvlaq6H2F01qz8z2ro1_500.png">

[Weltall]

Dark Jaguar has apparently discovered Garfield Minus Garfield!

[Dark Jaguar]

I "discovered" it a few years ago when I POSTED A THREAD about it. I recently went back to catch up though.

[Darunia]

How do you annex territory already controlled by The Goron Imperial Ministry of Foreign Internal Affairs?

These past months, I have been giving Tendo City more and more autonomy. I rolled back the curfew. I lightened restrictions on the press and assembly. I thought you could handle it. I was wrong, and that was my mistake. What will you do with freedom? Praise Tina Fey!? I don't THINK so!


But all jokes aside--you SERIOUSLY think Tina Fey is better than Natalie Portman? REALLY??

[EdenMaster]

But all jokes aside--you SERIOUSLY think Tina Fey is better than Natalie Portman? REALLY??

Opinion - /əˈpɪnyən/ [uh-pin-yuhn] - noun - a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

[Weltall]

But all jokes aside--you SERIOUSLY think Tina Fey is better than Natalie Portman? REALLY??

I think Tina Fey is better than pretty much anyone else of the female half of the species. Natalie Portman, honestly, doesn't even cross my mind when I think of such things. I couldn't pick her out of a dozen random female celebrities without help.

[Sacred Jellybean]

I think Natalie Portman is gorgeous, about on par with Tina Fey, honestly. There's some celebrity women I find more attractive, some less, but I'd rate the two of them about the same.

Other celebrity favorites of mine (aside from the aforementioned paragon of beauty, Evan Rachel Wood, of course):

- Emily Perkins

- Alyson Hannigan: purely by looks, though, there's not much to say for talent or accomplishment (since I don't watch Buffy)

- Alexis Bledel: one-trick-pony and most of her stuff isn't for me, but still very cute

- Rachel Leigh Cooke: I've only seen her in She's All That (the only reason I watched that movie, come to think of it), so I can't say much for her acting skills. It's hard to judge an actress by teen movie roles, because they're usually boring or calculated (as in, Rachel Leigh Cooke's the NERDY ARTSY GIRL).

- Larisa Oleynik: Oh, Alex Mack

- Katie Holmes: Talentless and probably as batshit insane as Tom Cruise, but holy crap, those eyes and smile

[A Black Falcon]

I think Tina Fey is better than pretty much anyone else of the female half of the species. Natalie Portman, honestly, doesn't even cross my mind when I think of such things. I couldn't pick her out of a dozen random female celebrities without help.

Tina Fey's on SNL or something, right? I never watch that show (it's not very good)... the Star Wars movies, though, I have most certainly watched.

I mean though, for years, CBS had Andromeda on against SNL... as if that was a competition. Awesome sci-fi show I loved, or stupid comedy show? No contest.

[Fittisize]

Naw, I love SNL. SNL's good shit. Anyways my celeb list consists of Naomi Watts and Christina Hendricks and Erica Hill (the chick who used to be on CNN) and Kerry Washington because I like to be politically correct (and also, goddamn). Also, whoever else is famous. I mean, they're fucking celebrities, of course they're gorgeous. Why else would they be on TV if they weren't extremely good looking??? Tina Fey's pretty smart and funny and apparently so is Natalie Portman given that she's a Harvard grad (she's never showed either of those qualities in her work, however) and they obviously both fit the beauty standards that qualify them to be famous and on TV. So what's the point of arguing? Even the local weather lady in every single city is stunningly beautiful. Celebrity hotness battles are just the worst.

[Darunia]

so is Natalie Portman given that she's a Harvard grad (she's never showed either of those qualities in her work, however)

And tell me, how should she apply her Baccalaureate in Psychology to the script for The Phantom Menace?

I suppose it really is just a fundamental difference in how we're wired. When I see Natalie's big brown eyes, I swoon. Tina... no. I mean, yes she's pretty, but compare the twos' eyes... and I'm not talking about her glasses. Natalie has beautiful eyes. And facial features, lacking from Tina. Body-wise, they're both beautiful women. Career-wise, they're both very successful. Intelligence-wise, they're both very intelligent. I suppose the preference comes down to the key physical traits that we individually cling to and prefer.


....BUT...


Natalie has an upcoming role in a movie wherein she shares an intimate lesbian moment with noneother than MILA KUNIS.


Checkmate.

Good fight, though.

<img src="http://bostonherald.com/blogs/entertainment/the_assistant/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/natalie.jpg">


+


<img src="http://kokugamer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/mila-kunis.jpg">



=


>



<img src="http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/fashion/stylephile/tina-fey-4.jpg">





BTW those blatantly off-guard paparazzi ass-scratcher pics? Hot.

[lazyfatbum]

Oh my go the chick from That 70's Show!!!!!!!!! she LIVES!!!!!!!

...the red head is hotter though

[Darunia]

YOU THINK THE RED HEAD IS HOTTER THAN MILA KUNIS?!?!



*Declares formal state of war on Lazy*

*Issues mobilization orders*

*Goron economy, after 16 hours off-duty, returns to a war footing.*

[Sacred Jellybean]

I'm glad I'm not alone in that, lazy. I always thought the same.

The redhead (her name is Laura Prepon, btw) gets some points docked for being a scientologist, but she's still miles ahead of Kunis.

[Darunia]

She's so lanky... pale...plain-looking... Mila is hot and exotic, and has the hottest voice, second only to that of Natalie Portman.

[EdenMaster]

Laura Prepon was the best reason to watch that show. She really lost something when she dyed her hair blonde, though. She looked much better as a redhead. Then again, I like redheads period so I'm probably biased there (Christina Hendricks-five, Fittsy!)

Mila Kunis was even cast as "the annoying one" in that show. Sure, she looked alright as long as she wasn't standing next to Laura Prepon, but her voice? Nails on a chalkboard. Still, at least I'd recognize her. I could walk past Natalie Porthole on the street and never even realize I'd had a brush with "greatness".

[Darunia]

HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD!?!?

[EdenMaster]

I'm not saying either of the two aren't attractive, it's all just a matter of preference.

And the whole world? No. Just you.

[Darunia]

Tina Fey better than Natalie Portman... Pepron better than Kunis... cats and dogs living in peace... up is down... yes means no... I can't take it anymore! You're all daffy!

[A Black Falcon]

... I don't often agree with Darunia, do I, but on this I do in both comparisons...

[Sacred Jellybean]

What's funny is that I read a quote by Prepon a long time ago that she was surprised by people seeing her as a sex symbol. Even she doesn't get it.

That's okay, baby, as long as you appreciate it. :love:

She really lost something when she dyed her hair blonde

100% agreed. I don't understand why everyone wants to be a blonde, I personally find brown, black, and red hair to be much more attractive.

[Unreadphilosophy]

You know what? Screw you people and your American women. You want hot? Here, take a look at my my women:


Girl you looks good won't you back that thing up?







In short: the Japanese will always better asses, better tits, and better looks. Anyone that argues is wrong.

[Unreadphilosophy]

^That first picture is just...DAMN!!!! I would go Quagmire on her any day of the week. ;)

[lazyfatbum]

ASIANS!!

*BARF*

Better asses?>?? have you even looked at Finnish girls??? or black french girls???? BETTER ASSES??? ASIANS?????? BETTER TITS??????? ASIANS?????????????? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE PUFFYS ON A C-CUP BRUNETTE WHO HAS IRISH TIT-WHISTLERS?????????? OR THE MICROS ON A VIKING GIRL FROM THE BALTIC SHORES WHO'S PERFECT B'S AIM RIGHT TO YOUR GOD DAMN FACE?????????

ASIANS????????????????????? BETTER LOOKING??????????????????? YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY HAPPINESS THIS DAY, I'M GOING TO WRITE YOUR NAME ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND THEN PEE ON IT, AND PRETEND THIS PAPER PLATE IS YOUR FEELINGS AND *NEVER* PICK IT UP YOU BIG DUMB HUGE MAN STUPID ASSHOLE.

i'm going to make toast and pretend the bread is your parents. You cant un-read it.

[Darunia]

... I don't often agree with Darunia, do I, but on this I do in both comparisons...


I tip my hat to you. At least one of you has a dose of sanity here. Except for all other issues. But on this one... yes... sanity.


Unread: I agree. I very much like asian chix.