Post "The Critic" quotes

[Sacred Jellybean]

Jay: Now before I start writing Ghostchasers III, who do you have back from the original cast?
Male assistant: Uhh... the black guy.
Female assistant: But we've only got him for two days. He's also playing the black guy in Batman 3.

Jay: I'm tempted, but I don't know... can Duke really be president? Can he be trusted with nuclear weapons?
Jeremy: We trust him with the ones he has now.

Bob Dole: Bob Dole, good to meet you, Duke.
Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom.
Duke: Bob, I'm thinking of running as a republican.
Bob Dole: That nomination is mine! *lightning strikes outside* If you interfere, I'll release this tape. *turns on TV*
Duke (on the TV): Pretty kitty Calooco, you know that I love you so, with your fur so soft and fair, I would not take you anywhere... *sobs*

Forrest Gump: Mr. President, I'm Forrest Gump, owner of Bubba Gump shrimp.
Bill Clinton: Shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp ca bob...
*hours later*
Bill: ...peanut butter and shrimp sandwiches, shrimp milkshakes, shrimp wine...
*even more hours later*
Bill: ...Count Shrimpula cereal, and blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a little brown sugar, and some shrimp.
Forrest Gump: You sure like shrimp, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp ca bob...

Cyrus: I wanna thank you for helping my wife and my little girl. It's more than I did...
Jay: Well, there are a lot of people in New York that would have done what I did... they're called putzes.
Cyrus: Mmm. I like pepperoni on my putzes!
Jay: ...I'll bet you do.

Mets coach: Alright, which one of you threw the firecracker at the little girl?
*random player raises hand shamefully*
Coach: You're off the team. Alright, I'm making a list. Who's gotta go to court today?
*4 guys raise their hands*
Coach: You're off the team. Now, who impregnated my daughter?
*remaining 3 guys leave*
Coach: Oh, marvelous.

Johnny Wrath: Well Howard, my new album is, uh...
Howard Stern: Shut up. Margo, can I see you naked.
Robin: Ahahahahaha!
Margo: Of course not!
Howard Stern: Then get out.
Robin: Hahahaha!!
Howard Stern: Robin, what's so funny?
Robin: I don't know, I wasn't listening! *giggles more*

Post more!

[EdenMaster]

Ah, The Critic...these are all somewhat paraphrased so forgive me if they're a little off.

Critic: Tim Allen delivers the same likeable performance which may not win awards, but keeps America smiling. How was that?
Gene Siskel: ...You're Satan, aren't you?
Critic: (transforms into Satan) You win this round, Siskel! *dissolves into floor*

Jay: Danger was around every corner.
*flashback to Jay and company riding across desert on camels*
Guard: Halt! To go forward you must solve the riddle of the Sphinx!
*everybody looks nervous*
Guard: Why did the boy...throw the clock out the window?
Arabian: He wanted to see time fly.
Guard: Okay, okay, okay, that was an easy one.
*day turns to dusk, guard pulls cup out of Sphinx nose and reads it*
Guard: When is a door...not a door:
Other Arabain: When it is ajar!
*Guard checks cup, the crushes it*
*dusk turns to night*
Guard: What do you call a vegetable who sings?
Jay: Elvis Parsley.
Guard: I also would have accepted Frank Asparagus. *reaches for another cup*
Jay: Oh what is the point of all this??
Guard: I'm so lonely...

Man in chariot: Spartacus, we've rid the chariot of the Centurion.
Spartacus: Then let's rock and <i>ROLL!!</i>

Orson Welles: Rosebud...yes, Rosebud frozen peas. Chock full of country goodness and green penis. Oh that's terrible, I quit. Jut a handful for the road. *walks offscreen munching* Oh what luck, there's a french fry stuck in my beard. *munching sounds* Oh yeah....

Reporter: What is your response to critics who say that this marraige is just an outrageous publicity stunt ot help your campaign?
Duke: I say GAZE into the hypnotic power, of my evil eye!
*creepy music plays*
Duke: Is there a follow-up question?
Reporter: *in monotone voice* How may I serve you, evil one?

Duke: I say slip her the money without her knowing. The best charity is always anonymous.
Jay: What about that?
*points out the window to Duke Phillips Hospital*
Duke Statue: All hail Duke! Duke is life! All hail Duke! Duke is life! All -- *pigeon flies into mouth*
Duke: Pigeons seem to like the sound of my -- *pigeon flies into Duke's mouth*

Oh, what a great show. Such a shame that such a hilarious show was so short lived. Beofre it's time I guess.

[Dark Jaguar]

EM didn't get the pun I think... Think of that this way. Pea-nis.

Orson Wells: Eat delicious Countryworth's French Fries! *eats them frozen* Oh yes! They're even better RAW!

Jay's Dad: They call them fingers, and yet they don't fing. Noodle THAT one for a while.

Orson Wells: Yes I may be dead, but I get all the Countryworth's fries I want! *eats fries* They're even better when you're DEAD!

Jay's Dad: I've taken to inventing, for example my babymaboberwirlymagig. *pan to spinning ceiling thing with babies in it*

Honestly I haven't memorized it word for word, but I do remember all these scenes were funny.

[Sacred Jellybean]

You're both wrong. It was pea-ness. ;)

[Dark Jaguar]

Which is what I was basically trying to convey here, so he would get the pun.

[Sacred Jellybean]

Ahh, I see. Serves me right for skimming your post.

[Dark Jaguar]

Skimming is LIKE reading you know, only... without the comprehension part.

[Darunia]

I can't remember any quotes; but the one thing that I've always remembered was "the kid from Easter Island", and he had a big monolithic stone head...and I remember he was going to Jay's son's birthday in one episode, but he couldn't fit through the door, so just sighed and sat down on the frontsteps.

[lazyfatbum]

"You're watching Fox! Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass!"

[Sacred Jellybean]

News reporter: The Siskel and Ebert split-up has generated two TV movies. Here's a scene from the Fox version.
Black guy: Booty booty bootyyyyyyy! Yeaahhh, boyeeee!!

I was in tears the first time I saw that... :D

[EdenMaster]

French Doctor: Monsieur Phillips, you have a rare blood disorder previously only seen when cousins intermarry.
Duke: Heh heh, well fancy that, first time everything, huh? Heh heh.
French Doctor: I'm going to be frank, you have only five years to live.
Duke: Oh really? Well, what would you say if I give you some of this neon toilet paper you frenchies call money?
French Doctor: I would say merci beaucoup, Mr. Five-Years-To-Live!
Duke: This can't be right. I've got the body of an eighteen year old! *points to Jay* You telling me this guy's going to live longer than me?
French Doctor: Yes, but he will suffer years of chronic joint pain before choking to death on a ham sandwich.
Jay: Ooh ooh, can the sandwich be olive loaf?
French Doctor: I suppose so.
Jay: Yes!

Jay: You know what he's saying, Duke? He's saying that you can't get the daughter of the assistant of one of your most expendable employees into this preschool!
Duke: Is that a compliment or an insult?
Jay: An insult!
Duke: I've never been so insulted in my life!

Duke is probably the funniets character on that show :)

[Sacred Jellybean]

Mr. T: I pity the fool who mess with the Jay Team!
Duke: I'm cool, I'm cool! Dukey-Duke don't diss a man when he's chillin' with his homies!

[Sacred Jellybean]

*Terrorists arrive on Jay's show carrying carts of assault rifles, dynomite, etc.*
Security Guard: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you guys?
Head Terrorist: We are... um... caterers!
Security Guard: You're heavily armed for caterers.
Head Terrorist: We took the subway!
Security Guard: You're lightly armed for the subway.

[UltraMarioMan]

*Terrorists arrive on Jay's show carrying carts of assault rifles, dynomite, etc.*
Security Guard: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you guys?
Head Terrorist: We are... um... caterers!
Security Guard: You're heavily armed for caterers.
Head Terrorist: We took the subway!
Security Guard: You're lightly armed for the subway.

*Cracks up*

[Sacred Jellybean]

Dictator: *speaking to the class about his career* ...I rely on terror and oppresion, because everyone plots against me!
Jay: I was going to say that.

Jay: *to Marty* This is your new mother.
Latin bride: I plan to divorce him and take half his money.
Jay: She's a lot like your old mother...

Doris: That play was terrible.
Jay: Well, that's the kind of thing I see all the time. Now, you can see why I'm always so cranky.
Doris: You know, I'd really hate to be you.
Jay: Oh, it's not so tough being a film critic.
Doris: No, I was starting a new conversation.

[Sacred Jellybean]

Jeremy: Jay, we have a saying in Australia. Well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here... but my advice to you is, slow down.
Jay: Why are you telling me this?
Jeremy: Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.
Jay: Wow... that's twice in one day.
Restaurant owner: I love you, too!
Jay: You just love my money!
Restaurant owner: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

[EdenMaster]

You call yourself a Critic fan? Then you should know the name of the owner of L'ane Riche is Vlada! Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done!

[Sacred Jellybean]

Hahaha :D Yeah, I knew it was something along those lines, but I wasn't sure how to spell/pronounce it.

[Great Rumbler]

Nice job getting rid of that post, Arthur. :p

[Arthur]

I'm clean! I'm cleeaaaaannnn!!! :crap:

[Great Rumbler]

No, Arthur, you are in fact VERY dirty.

[Arthur]

dontsaythatimnotdirty:(