20th August 2020, 11:51 AM
Normally this time of year I'd be saying "two more months until haunted houses open!" but I'm guessing it's a no-go this year. But I think it'd be cool to have a socially-distanced haunted house. I want to do that shit alone, anyway. It's cooler and scarier that way. And the actors would ALREADY be wearing masks.
Look, I get a boyish enthusiasm when I visit a haunted house. I'm a sucker for horror, and I love seeing the cool set pieces of mannequin corpses strung up on crosses and giant hulking mother fuckers in masks with empty eyes that stalk you. Shit, one time I had a guy in a Hannibal Lecter mask grab me from behind and drag me back in the house when I tried to leave, srsly props to Pennhurst Asylum for stepping it up.
And that's what I'm saying. I'll pay premium to get dropped into a large facility or a corn maze or just a huge field with surrounding woods and have a group of people come out and chase me and even rough me up a little. Not enough to cause permanent injury, but enough to get my attention, you know? Fair game to punch me in the face if it doesn't knock out any teeth.
You know, just enough to make me unsure of whether my life is in danger. I'll sign a waiver. Give me a fucking safe word. Brandish knives at me, put a noose around my neck and pull a lever to open a trap door but instead of getting hung I'll fall into a pit into a new room and a fresh chance for survival until the next enemy comes at me with a chainsaw, I mean a real one, none of that leaf blower bullshit, look I think I'm pretty good at dodging shit.
Come at me with a raving schizo'd homeless man that's indistinguishable from the real thing and makes me wonder whether he might have wandered in. Put me in a cell and leave me there, I think the anticipation and fear of the unknown would be scarier than some douchebag jumping out from around the corner and going OOGAH BOOGAH BOOGAH.
I was at this haunted house called Extreme Blackout where you had to sign a waiver and were given a safeword that they made you repeat, and the website advertised that you would be isolated from your friends and terrorized and tortured and I'm like YES! DO IT! But I went and it was some chickenshit where they pull you aside and make you sit in a chair and squirt vinegar into your mouth, or make you put your hands against a wall while they put an ice pack on your back.
Bullshit. I don't WANT to feel like I'm in a safe, controlled environment. Feel me? A lifetime diet of horror movies has made me callused. I'm like a junky that needs a jolt so intense that it high-fives the big O D as it passes it by. I want my heart to drop in my stomach and for me to think "what the fuck have I done, get me out of here" and scream the safe word until my voicebox explodes. Feel me?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Look, I get a boyish enthusiasm when I visit a haunted house. I'm a sucker for horror, and I love seeing the cool set pieces of mannequin corpses strung up on crosses and giant hulking mother fuckers in masks with empty eyes that stalk you. Shit, one time I had a guy in a Hannibal Lecter mask grab me from behind and drag me back in the house when I tried to leave, srsly props to Pennhurst Asylum for stepping it up.
And that's what I'm saying. I'll pay premium to get dropped into a large facility or a corn maze or just a huge field with surrounding woods and have a group of people come out and chase me and even rough me up a little. Not enough to cause permanent injury, but enough to get my attention, you know? Fair game to punch me in the face if it doesn't knock out any teeth.
You know, just enough to make me unsure of whether my life is in danger. I'll sign a waiver. Give me a fucking safe word. Brandish knives at me, put a noose around my neck and pull a lever to open a trap door but instead of getting hung I'll fall into a pit into a new room and a fresh chance for survival until the next enemy comes at me with a chainsaw, I mean a real one, none of that leaf blower bullshit, look I think I'm pretty good at dodging shit.
Come at me with a raving schizo'd homeless man that's indistinguishable from the real thing and makes me wonder whether he might have wandered in. Put me in a cell and leave me there, I think the anticipation and fear of the unknown would be scarier than some douchebag jumping out from around the corner and going OOGAH BOOGAH BOOGAH.
I was at this haunted house called Extreme Blackout where you had to sign a waiver and were given a safeword that they made you repeat, and the website advertised that you would be isolated from your friends and terrorized and tortured and I'm like YES! DO IT! But I went and it was some chickenshit where they pull you aside and make you sit in a chair and squirt vinegar into your mouth, or make you put your hands against a wall while they put an ice pack on your back.
Bullshit. I don't WANT to feel like I'm in a safe, controlled environment. Feel me? A lifetime diet of horror movies has made me callused. I'm like a junky that needs a jolt so intense that it high-fives the big O D as it passes it by. I want my heart to drop in my stomach and for me to think "what the fuck have I done, get me out of here" and scream the safe word until my voicebox explodes. Feel me?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
