2nd June 2015, 7:42 PM
The 1990's were a time of exploration. At long last, all the video and audio one could eat could be stuffed on a CD-ROM and fired into our disc drives. Some thought this would be a great time to put award baiting "contemporary" songs in their games, hoping maybe to make them into huge hits on the radio and drum up sales of their game. (Sierra, for their part, actually asked their fans to call in radio stations and request a song by name, nevermind that Sierra had never bothered handing out a license for it or informing radio stations the song even existed.)
This is a poll that could grow, but for now I put up these options. Which was the cheesiest most retroactively embarrassing song ever wedged into a game? Points go out for being "dated" (sounding as 90's as it possibly can), being badly written and/or cheesy, and of course for being woefully out of place in the game it's featured in, clashing with pretty much all other music in the game. Keep in mind, the song can't just be a bad song, or just be a bit out of place, it has to be so alien that you just stand there saying "...WHAT?!" and desperately trying to keep a straight face. Games with entire soundtracks that are just terrible are also excluded, because at that point it actually starts "working" again. Just about the only songs that match this criteria are going to have lyrics to them.
Let's start off with a few easy choices, in fact I'll try to go chronologically.
King's Quest VI - Girl in the Tower
Oh wow, let's just kick it off with an early 90's power ballad. By their own admission, this was meant to sound like some big romantic song from a Disney movie (and well, it kinda does fit that early 90's Disney hit style). Nevertheless, pretty much nobody expected their whimsical fairy tale to end quite like this. Points for being simultaneously laughably cheesy and also, though nobody would admit to this, a little catchy. I know my mind was held hostage by this song for about a week after I beat this game myself.
King's Quest VII - Land Beyond Dreams
Dangit Sierra, you had to go two for two didn't you? Just a year later, they went and tried again. Double points for making this both the opening AND the ending, because yeah, this is what we wanted to hear twice. This is the sort of song Don Bluth would have put in his movies. Not... like his 80's movies, I'm talking something like the Swan Princess. About that quality too... They really went all-in on the Disney style thing here (again, like 90's Don Bluth), attempting to copy the art style. Emphasis on "attempt". The animators they contracted for this were... not so good. Backgrounds were pretty nice though, and the animation still looked better than CD-i Zelda, for whatever that's worth. Okay, enough of Sierra, there's plenty of cheese to go around.
Nights Into Dreams - Dreams Dreams
Technically, there's 3 versions of this song, and they used it AGAIN in the sequel on the Wii. Way to stay the course Sega! Here is the version most people are going to see the first time they beat the game, with kids singing it, and I picked this version because... it's a "love duet" being sung by kids! The whole thing brings back vibes of "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tale. It's just... so out of nowhere. Considering the possible romantic interpretation of the song, I just have to ask, WHERE did any sort of "love" actually blossom in this bizarre dream adventure?
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - I Am the Wind
Unlike Sega, Konami seemed intent to bury this song as deep as they possibly could, as every rerelease has actually had a whole new song written just to replace this ending song. Again, this 90's lost love song has basically no connection to the gothic atmosphere of the rest of the game. Then again, the "chase after him" ending where Maria apparently has fallen for Alucard came out of nowhere too. Rumor has it that the composer lost a bet and put in that song as part of that deal. I found a lot of references to that, but couldn't find anything officially stated by the development team to back it up. Still, an interesting rumor.
Donkey Kong 64 - DK Rap
Well how could I forget this one? Truly, a strange and downright insulting "rap" that has no place anywhere, yet Nintendo doesn't know how to quit it, because it winds it's way into every Smash Bros game since Melee.
So there you have it, my current top picks. If you've got any more suggestions, add them in. Remember, only the most ridiculous ones will do!
This is a poll that could grow, but for now I put up these options. Which was the cheesiest most retroactively embarrassing song ever wedged into a game? Points go out for being "dated" (sounding as 90's as it possibly can), being badly written and/or cheesy, and of course for being woefully out of place in the game it's featured in, clashing with pretty much all other music in the game. Keep in mind, the song can't just be a bad song, or just be a bit out of place, it has to be so alien that you just stand there saying "...WHAT?!" and desperately trying to keep a straight face. Games with entire soundtracks that are just terrible are also excluded, because at that point it actually starts "working" again. Just about the only songs that match this criteria are going to have lyrics to them.
Let's start off with a few easy choices, in fact I'll try to go chronologically.
King's Quest VI - Girl in the Tower
Oh wow, let's just kick it off with an early 90's power ballad. By their own admission, this was meant to sound like some big romantic song from a Disney movie (and well, it kinda does fit that early 90's Disney hit style). Nevertheless, pretty much nobody expected their whimsical fairy tale to end quite like this. Points for being simultaneously laughably cheesy and also, though nobody would admit to this, a little catchy. I know my mind was held hostage by this song for about a week after I beat this game myself.
King's Quest VII - Land Beyond Dreams
Dangit Sierra, you had to go two for two didn't you? Just a year later, they went and tried again. Double points for making this both the opening AND the ending, because yeah, this is what we wanted to hear twice. This is the sort of song Don Bluth would have put in his movies. Not... like his 80's movies, I'm talking something like the Swan Princess. About that quality too... They really went all-in on the Disney style thing here (again, like 90's Don Bluth), attempting to copy the art style. Emphasis on "attempt". The animators they contracted for this were... not so good. Backgrounds were pretty nice though, and the animation still looked better than CD-i Zelda, for whatever that's worth. Okay, enough of Sierra, there's plenty of cheese to go around.
Nights Into Dreams - Dreams Dreams
Technically, there's 3 versions of this song, and they used it AGAIN in the sequel on the Wii. Way to stay the course Sega! Here is the version most people are going to see the first time they beat the game, with kids singing it, and I picked this version because... it's a "love duet" being sung by kids! The whole thing brings back vibes of "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tale. It's just... so out of nowhere. Considering the possible romantic interpretation of the song, I just have to ask, WHERE did any sort of "love" actually blossom in this bizarre dream adventure?
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - I Am the Wind
Unlike Sega, Konami seemed intent to bury this song as deep as they possibly could, as every rerelease has actually had a whole new song written just to replace this ending song. Again, this 90's lost love song has basically no connection to the gothic atmosphere of the rest of the game. Then again, the "chase after him" ending where Maria apparently has fallen for Alucard came out of nowhere too. Rumor has it that the composer lost a bet and put in that song as part of that deal. I found a lot of references to that, but couldn't find anything officially stated by the development team to back it up. Still, an interesting rumor.
Donkey Kong 64 - DK Rap
Well how could I forget this one? Truly, a strange and downright insulting "rap" that has no place anywhere, yet Nintendo doesn't know how to quit it, because it winds it's way into every Smash Bros game since Melee.
So there you have it, my current top picks. If you've got any more suggestions, add them in. Remember, only the most ridiculous ones will do!
