Tendo City

Yo. Y'all remember that Hannakah song? "Puuuut on your yamachaauuuhhh, heeeeeere coooomes hannakaaaahh". It was sorta popular in the 90s, not really a pop hit but if you knew Adam sandler you probably heard him sing that song at some point. Not as good as Chris Farley Lunch Lady shit, but a cornerstone in the Sandler Legacy.



I actually rather like Sandler. After seeing Funny Guys anyway. But before that, him and his crew made a foray into animation and the Hannakah spirit. It's true! They called it Eight Crazy Nights. What would these goofy potty-mouthed putzes be doing mashing up corny Dreamworks shit with Sandler's impressive blend of crass and terribly bland humor?

A movie where Sandler does the voices and is pretty much 2 hours of him talking to himself. With Rob Schneider narrating.

Rob fucking Schneider.



Yeah, the two have been doing terrible movies since time immemorial (I can't remember past 12, help me doc). They're good friends, sorta like that dorky Paul Blart Mall Cop actor. I think Sandler produces these movies to keep the lights on at his buddy's houses. How the fuck else do you explain Grown Ups and the fact that it had a fucking SEQUEL?! For shame, Chris Rock. You're better than this.



But anyway, this post is about Eight Crazy Nights. One of the most ill-concieved pieces of garbage ever put to film. It's almost bad enough to be a fascinating trainwreck, though probably not worth your time. Actually, why you even reading this? Get out of here.


RT gave this turd 48%?!? You sure you didn't forget a decimal somewhere?

8CN stars an dwarfish, deformed old man who no woman has ever loved, so he cohabitates with his sister as some sort of uncomfortable surrogate.



His name is I-don't-fucking-remember, let's call him Wilbur. He's this relentlessly happy little christmas elf that is also prone to seizures.


Wilbur with Adam's stand-in, don't remember what that douche's name is either

8CN has no problem beating on this guy. There's a scene where a bunch of cruel construction workers negotiate with him to clean out the portapotties. A quarter a toilet, some shit like that. Will society ever learn to respect its most impoverished citizens?! Give him a fucking 20 you cheap assholes and tell him happy holidays.


You got a deal, nice doin' bizness wit' you guys!!

So he's in there and Sandler's stand-in character rushes the portapotty and rams it. It tips and tumbles floor-over-roof down a ditch. Wilber emerges from the stall, steeped in human filth. It drips down his face and he's ready to cry, but before he can properly process this atrocity that has been inflicted upon his person, Sandler offers to help out by hosing him down.



The water quickly freezes, enveloping poor Wilbur into a suspended animation of human feces.

Not to worry, though. Deer save him by melting the ice. They do so, of course, by licking it up. The deer are not shy or bothered with the task of licking a popsicle of human shit, they even grin for the camera, poop bulging out between the cracks in their teeth.

I tried to find an image of it, but I guess the only way would be to order the movie and screencap that scene. And fuck. that. shit.


Instead, have this image. LOL THE DEERS 'R POOPPPIINNGG!!!1

Sandler's Stand-in is an anything-but-sympathetic alcoholic abusive piece of shit. We're meant to feel sorry for him because his parents died which is I guess sad but any sentiment is quickly reversed away by, say, a scene where a random character loses a bet and is forced to eat a jock strap.


Happy Madison even saw fit to copy the Dreamworks Smug ™ facial expression



Sandler does the three voices of the three main characters, the third is of course the sister, whose mewling voice would make you want to throw a brick at the screen if you hadn't run out of them already. There's also some love interest, Sandler's character's offer of hope, because nothing says "I have exorcised the demons of grief and loss" by a two-bit cliched love interest that gives the character's life some structure.


In a moment of clarity, Sandler wrestles away his multiple personalities and turns their faces around. "I AM BETTER THAN THIS!" he bellows to no one, before collapsing into a ball and sobbing

I caught this movie many years ago, I want to say 11 of them, when I was staying at my parents house and sifting through Comcast's On Demand movies. Eight Crazy Nights, that is your fate. $5 bargain bin, or bundled with a bunch of other snooze-fests and to be used as some kind of token prize for whatever tier subscription Comcast wants you to buy.


RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FRIENDS YOU HATE

Fuck you Adam Sandler

BONUS: Through my image searching, I found this

The best Adam Sandler moment doesn't even have Adam Sandler in it.

I love that clip! :D